Pressure flip @Catsandcatsandcats@mastodon.social

[At the United States patent office]:

[Me]: "This is my design for a self-reheating, self-refilling bath tub that uses sustainable, renewable energy..." *hands over document*

[Patent Clerk]: *looks over paper* "...this is just a diagram of you pissing in the bathwater your bathing in..."

[Me]: *nodding* "Genius, right?"

0/0 boosts/faves is what we here on Mastodon call the "absolute master tooter's ratio."

"I never really did understand the phrase "every man who dies must die alone,"" I remarked to my beanie baby wife.

"Twerkin' hard or hardly twerkin'?" I asked my coworker as my ass pulsated to the industrial beats of the workplace.

"Guess I flew a little too close to the sun, huh?" I remarked as the firefighters used a jackhammer to remove my hog from the concrete that dried surprisingly fast.

Bureaucratize my #ass daddy

Racists takimg the OK sign isnjust another example of italian hand-gesture culture being co-opted. Disgustimg

My wife isndemanding that I "wipe my ass every time, all yhe time" when I shid, provimg beyond a doubt that she has succumbed to tankyism

I remember there was this one guy who asked me to sign his senior yearbook and I didn't like him so I drew Sonic jacking off. He contacted me a few years ago to say he still had it.

I just wanna be home with my cats. Fuck work.

They might as well say "there's no way we can shoot the amount of innocent civilians needed to achieve our imperialist objectives! How did this happen!?"

I love when analysts shake their head and call America's many military operations "quagmires," as if they suddenly looked up and said "whaa!?!? How did these troops end up all over the world!? Omg when did this happen!?"

I think someone subtly accused me of being a cop via DM yesterday? Weird chap.

Jake Tapper is always pretentiously mugging like a self-important chode. He's like Jim from the Office of the reporting world

Blastimg transmissions of ICP's discography into space so yhe aliens know we're a cultured ppl

Free shidding all over the deck of my yacht

Winston Churchill's grave is the worst grave to piss on except for all the other graves

I forced myself to rewatch it like 6 years ago to overcome it. It was weird. I'd describe the feeling as fear nostalgia

Did I ever tell y'all how I was absolutely terrified of the "fluke man" from the X Files as a child?