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[At the United States patent office]:

[Me]: "This is my design for a self-reheating, self-refilling bath tub that uses sustainable, renewable energy..." *hands over document*

[Patent Clerk]: *looks over paper* "...this is just a diagram of you pissing in the bathwater your bathing in..."

[Me]: *nodding* "Genius, right?"

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0/0 boosts/faves is what we here on Mastodon call the "absolute master tooter's ratio."

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"I never really did understand the phrase "every man who dies must die alone,"" I remarked to my beanie baby wife.

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"Twerkin' hard or hardly twerkin'?" I asked my coworker as my ass pulsated to the industrial beats of the workplace.

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"Guess I flew a little too close to the sun, huh?" I remarked as the firefighters used a jackhammer to remove my hog from the concrete that dried surprisingly fast.

Alright, had a good time on this account, but its time to delete. Ty for everyone who followed, it's been rad. You can follow me on @Catsandcats or if you wanna keep in touch. I'll prolly delete this account this MLK weekend.

We're going to have a CW etiquette crisis/drama soon. I can feel it

Ok I get what happened with my jumanji--its working fine but I guess they blocked octagon. I only got keyed into it cuz I wasn't seeing any of esvrld's trump shitposts lol

Lewd, potus 

@Catsandcatsandcats it's called grunka in Swedish, btw.

Lewd, potus 

I think he's gonna do a sad pound off in the shower

sorry i haven't posted Pepper in a few days, but don't worry - he is fitting in great over here

As someonw who once briefly lost tge ability to poast I too feel the presidents pajn

Oh God, is he just retweeting highlight videos from his presidency from the potus account now? This is so sad

fuck i didn't think this would (partly) come true, he's ban evading with @POTUS now

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Nestor is obsessed with biting the other end of my toothbrush when I'm using it

I think the peepee tape will add a new level of verisimilitude (learned that word from @FirstProgenitor just today) to #FediLeaks

i'll order the cia to shoot juan guaido if maduro follows me back on here

with me gone, there is nobody tough enough to stand up to dril. everyone will be forced to wear a diaper and eat dogfood. sad! could have been prevented!

i have great affection for the fossbros! they can't help that they're fucked up and have weird looking dicks!

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