Pinned toot

0/0 boosts/faves is what we here on Mastodon call the "absolute master tooter's ratio."

Pinned toot

"I never really did understand the phrase "every man who dies must die alone,"" I remarked to my beanie baby wife.

Pinned toot

"Twerkin' hard or hardly twerkin'?" I asked my coworker as my ass pulsated to the industrial beats of the workplace.

Pinned toot

"Guess I flew a little too close to the sun, huh?" I remarked as the firefighters used a jackhammer to remove my hog from the concrete that dried surprisingly fast.

[At the United States patent office]:

[Me]: "This is my design for a self-reheating, self-refilling bath tub that uses sustainable, renewable energy..." *hands over document*

[Patent Clerk]: *looks over paper* "...this is just a diagram of you pissing in the bathwater your bathing in..."

[Me]: *nodding* "Genius, right?"

The branches coming off the tree? Also made of dicks. The pine needles? You guessed it: tiny little dicks.

Possible Nirvana hot take, genitals 

The standing or walking on the escalator dichotomy is a false one: you stand on the right side of the escalator, walk on the left. This is a DC metro area law.

Ever accidentally let a fart rip in front of your girlfriend's mother?

"Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a bit of a wankstah," I said coyly, trying to impress my date.

It's hard being a virgo because we're so superior to everyone else

In the collapse of Keynesianism, no one could figure out why demand wasn't picking up--maybe it's because you can only consume so much? Because we're creating false needs?

And we need to work less and less to meet that same level of consumption and now there's unemployment, which further throws off the equilibrium...

So what if we, I dunno, shortened the work week? And then more people could work full time instead of part time? And maybe quit this 19th century workweek model?

If you think about it, so much of the disequilibrium in the economy could be settled by shortening the workweek. Not everything. But a lot of it.

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