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[At the United States patent office]:

[Me]: "This is my design for a self-reheating, self-refilling bath tub that uses sustainable, renewable energy..." *hands over document*

[Patent Clerk]: *looks over paper* "...this is just a diagram of you pissing in the bathwater your bathing in..."

[Me]: *nodding* "Genius, right?"

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0/0 boosts/faves is what we here on Mastodon call the "absolute master tooter's ratio."

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"I never really did understand the phrase "every man who dies must die alone,"" I remarked to my beanie baby wife.

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"Twerkin' hard or hardly twerkin'?" I asked my coworker as my ass pulsated to the industrial beats of the workplace.

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"Guess I flew a little too close to the sun, huh?" I remarked as the firefighters used a jackhammer to remove my hog from the concrete that dried surprisingly fast.

Racists takimg the OK sign isnjust another example of italian hand-gesture culture being co-opted. Disgustimg

My wife isndemanding that I "wipe my ass every time, all yhe time" when I shid, provimg beyond a doubt that she has succumbed to tankyism

I remember there was this one guy who asked me to sign his senior yearbook and I didn't like him so I drew Sonic jacking off. He contacted me a few years ago to say he still had it.

hooting and hollering as the new world order uses a project bluebeam laser to send a hologram of sonic the hedgehog into my shitty flat, throwing myself against the walls, getting riled up like a baboon

projecting holograms out of my making y'all victims of my personal myth of the cave

They might as well say "there's no way we can shoot the amount of innocent civilians needed to achieve our imperialist objectives! How did this happen!?"

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I love when analysts shake their head and call America's many military operations "quagmires," as if they suddenly looked up and said "whaa!?!? How did these troops end up all over the world!? Omg when did this happen!?"

@Catsandcatsandcats fbi agents are infiltrating leftists groups with pictures of their cats in order to foment internal strife with vile posts about shaking their fat bourgeoisie ass

I think someone subtly accused me of being a cop via DM yesterday? Weird chap.

Jake Tapper is always pretentiously mugging like a self-important chode. He's like Jim from the Office of the reporting world

Blastimg transmissions of ICP's discography into space so yhe aliens know we're a cultured ppl

Winston Churchill's grave is the worst grave to piss on except for all the other graves

getting stuffed into davy jones’ locker by a gang of jock pirates

there 2 kind of people,,, lizer, and not lizer

I forced myself to rewatch it like 6 years ago to overcome it. It was weird. I'd describe the feeling as fear nostalgia

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Did I ever tell y'all how I was absolutely terrified of the "fluke man" from the X Files as a child?

the cock and balls of the discourse

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