Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

So, I'm going to talk about my mental illness. Mute thread if talk of depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation will be a concern.

I'm mentally ill. I have anxiety, to the point it takes me over an hour to fall asleep on a good night. I have depression, to the point I think, about once a day, about suicide.

Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

Odds are good, if you've talked to me in the last year, that not a day earlier, I thought about it.

It takes a lot of forms; sometimes I want to do myself in directly. Back when I thought I was a dude, I told myself "the world has no use for another person like me."

Now that I know I'm not a dude, I have been able to outwit this thought most of the time, since I know it's a conclusion that is retroactively justifying itself, and therefore illogical.

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Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

But other times, it takes a different form - the notion that I should do in *part* of myself.

That I should stop writing, because of the harm it might do to someone. Or that I should stop because a project's got a 5% similarity with something else, so there's no point in having more than one.

I have called myself a writer longer than I've called myself a woman, and it took a while to recognize that this was a form of ideation - death by 1,000 cuts.

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Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

It'll take the form of me deciding not to watch or read something, or if I do, to not share my thoughts on it, because who wants to be a woman getting screamed at online because you liked or disliked the wrong thing?

Death to hobbies, to my sense that I can express criticism.

It'll take the form of me coming up with reasons why I'm not "really" a woman, since that's a part of my identity as well.

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Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

The most illogical manifestation of this was when I could tell, by eyeball alone, if a comics cover was drawn by Sal Buscema.

The little thought went "Charlotte. Charrrrrrrrloooooootte. Female comics fans don't really care about trivia like that, Charlotte. Guess what that makes you."

Totally illogical, but it's called mental illness, not mental actually-that-makes-perfect-sense.

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Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

I don't tweet about this stuff often since I try to be mindful about it; mindful of how traumatizing it can be to have someone talk obliquely about doing themselves in, then go dark on you, leaving you with a silence that fills your every thought.

I talk about this stuff with a therapist - which I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford - and I find other ways to talk about it other than sharing it with people who I can instantly cut off all contact with.

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Charlotte Talks About Her Mental Illness 

So, to summarize: I have anxiety/depression and it takes many forms, and if you recognized any of these forms within yourself, I hope you can get the help you need.

For the aforementioned reasons, I don't talk about this much, but I figured: it couldn't hurt to do it once.

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