If you don’t move your cigarette when a baby passes you I don’t trust you

Women who don’t use their spit and a q tip to fix their liquid eyeliner are the bourgeoisie and cannot be trusted

Do y’all talk to yourselves in public and if so do people ask if you’re speaking to them and if if so how do you respond

"y'all ever been fuckzoned? It's when you wanna be friends with someone but they just wanna fuck you"

"y'all ever been manic pixie dream girlzoned? It's when you wanna be friends with a guy but he just wants you to heal him and somehow give him the will to live"

mastodon.opportunis.me/media/-

ive been bald for longer than most of you have been alive, happy friday

If you haven’t found the right high waist for your hip to waist ratio at this point there’s no hope for you

All I want in my life is to convey the same amount of fear Jane instills on her friends in happy endings

@Complaina my body is a wonderland but my intestines are an elephant graveyard

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Sex is great and all but have you ever found a newly cleaned public bathroom in the city when you’re having gastrointestinal distress

How do I ask my exes to delete my old nudes now that I’m a kept woman they don’t deserve them

My bathing suit bottom is struggling to do its job this Labor Day weekend

Everyone I know who says they don’t have an Instagram perfect life all have perfect instagrams what is that

Please stop me from listening to this terrible g eazy and Halsey song I cannot stop

@Complaina oh shit there’s a Medusa exhibit at the Met right now chyeaaaaa chyeaaaa

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It only took me like seven years but I’ve finally decided on the monsters I want for my feminist half sleeve tattoo. Now to the art archives for inspiration and then to find a tattoo artist and then to save up all the money and also wait until after my wedding so my mom doesn’t cry

I’m having one of those weeks where I need to have my shit together at work so naturally I keep making dumbass mistakes that take a billion hours to fixxxxxxx

People who are all uppity about correcting grammar like bitch I know which there/their/they’re to use I just don’t care enough about you to edit my words get away from me

Sometimes i think about how g eazy and Halsey did They’re love duet about being together forever and how they’d never cheat and then it came out he cheated like three weeks later

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