not every song can be about tomatoes, and we just have to accept that
accidentally gets hoola hoop pregnant in a sporting goods store
tries a backwards hip thrust but it’s too late ima have to buy this hoop
Foreign:
I have no interest in love
Foreigner:
I want to know what love is
Foreignest:
I am become love
Foreignest'dst:
LOVE 2 CANCELED
uooɯ ǝɥʇ ʎɹɟ dǝǝp sɹǝpɐǝlɹǝǝɥɔ ǝɔɐds s,un buoɾ ɯıʞ
FACT: a horse is standing behind you RIGHT NOW. #horsefacts
My new thing is saying "watersmelon" and seeing how long it takes for people to notice
I stole merchandise from a t-shirt company and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
Many people ask me, "have you seen [insert movie]?"
And I reply, "have you ever [insert action] with [insert historical figure] for [insert foreign currency] in [insert obscure color] shoes?"
And they say, "[insert deep fried meme]"
A[insert internet].
i built this wall of defense mechanisms around my true emotions on rock and roll
one, two Google's coming for you
three, four better fire up Tor
five, six grab selinux
Of course, we British are getting increasing buoyant. 1 in 20 British children have been described as "dangerously" buoyant
[sinking in quicksand] bogs will be bogs lol
[the math corporation]
ANALYST: numbers are way up this quarter
BOSS: that's excellent news, great job everyone
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: gimme huge muscles
POOF! *mussels appear*
ME: what no, i meant like [points to stomach] a six-pack
POOF! *pepsi appears*
ME: are you serious right now
GENIE: yes. last one
ME [exasperated]: i wish for the body of arnold schwarzenegger
GENIE: ok pal you got it
POOF! *arnold schwarzenegger's corpse appears*
TEACHER: *slams desk* all right you space cadets now pay attention
NASA TRAINEES: yes ma'am
me: *watches one british television show*
(later)
[gets a compliment] cheers!
[somebody holds the door for me] cheers!
[having drinks] cheers!
[gets fired] cheers!
[hit by a bus] cheers!
[gets mugged] cheers!
[hears that someone died] cheers!
so apparently breaking the world record for eating triscuits doesn't qualify me to compete as a triathlete
guy who invented bier pong: *gets fired from funeral home*
To everyone who has ever doubted me, I've finally gotten my life in order: e, f, i, l, m, y
College humanities course: Hey, you know all the stuff that you were dark and broody about in high school and adults said you were being too dramatic? Well here are all the greatest minds of their time being dark and broody about exactly the same stuff, oh and most of them did not handle it nearly as well as you did.
one cool thing about super mario bros is that it has no privacy policy and in fact does not care who you are so long as you can play it
my non-unboxing review of the Microsoft Surface Laptop where i didn't open the box:
pros:
- nice-ish box
- quite heavy box
cons:
- quite heavy box
