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Everyone's all like 'ooh Cardi B stands for Cardiovascular Bronchitis' while ignoring that Cardi's real name is clearly a dark wizard's Name of Power

@pbandkate folks on here talking about "being born" and "physical existence" like they're real things 😂

going for the world record in most babies fought in one weekend

I wish I spent 50k going to college for four years so I could post things like "uhh I'm a marxist leninist with 3rd worldist leanings" instead of dropping out only to post things like "just got done pooping my pants I love Bernie sanders"

*slaps self in the face* this bad boy can fit so much anxiety in it

hauling ass to the hair place to find tekken chauncey and laying into him with a rolled up newspaper while hes getting a Perm

i wake up with a jolt and run to my desk top computer. i start it up, and my fingers are itching. today i'll finally cancel todd. it's about time. the screen lights up, and i see the one thing i didn't want to see.

"this ain't it sis"

todd got to me first. i'm cancelled.

me, desperate: you can’t just attach medieval weaponry to animal skeletons and call it a new species

paleontologist: sword lion

me, sobbing:

paleontologist: mace turtle

@helldude @secondary_world in retrospect Taken would've been much better if Neeson had resolved to revenge-bang his daughter's kidnappers, and then gone round Paris fucking the kidnappers with his huge, allegedly Evian-bottle dimensioned, cock.

there's a guy in my neighborhood who looks exactly like chuck johnson and i irrationally hate his guts for it and he's standing right next to me on the train platform and its draining the life from me

no person, living or dead, has ever hated their miserable social media followers than 👍👍 this guy

people often claim my posts are "shit" or "awful garbage" but that is because im the one true poster, and shield my true pearls away from the taint of your gaze, thus keeping them pure and magnificent

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Can’t believe game stop has done nothing to stop games. I go there every week and it’s filled with them. Disgusting.

instance drama: idfc 

listen: i’m lazy & time-limited most days & i often need to drop off the radar

i’m staying on .social

bc it’s functioning how i need it to in my life. i’m not into the drama & i’m a goddamned delight. if you’re going to hold my first instance against me, kindly fuck off

I'm the reason elton john stopped touring. I went to every show and he just got tired of looking at my shitty haircut

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