Pinned toot

Jerry: not now George, we gotta get to the bottom of this "bofa" mystery!
George: Deez Nuts Jerry! Bofa Deez Nuts!
Jerry: yes I know George, but what is bofa?
George: it's a joke jerry! A joke!
Jerry: hmmm... bofa... prehaps the word is Sugandese?
George: I've never heard of the Sugandese!
Jerry: SUGANDESE NUTZ GEORGE, OHHHHHHHHH *dabs* GOTTEM

the worst human being I've ever spoken to was an oil executive who called himself a "liberal". he kept self-deprecating about how he's alienated so much of his peers with his "bleeding heart". i asked him if he'd heard of the degrowth movement and he said oh the environment is of the utmost importance to us.

he'll be first.

Once again, this account is dead, I don't use it anymore, my account is @dayglochainsaw now

@garfiald corn snakes are super low maintenance and totally Kick Ass if you can handle feeding it a mouse every month or so. they stay pretty small and have tons of morphs (color/pattern variation) and every few months they'll gift you with their old skin b/c they love you
10/10 passive pet

@DayGloChainsaw i haven't tried that before but uh yeah i just did

AU where Bob Ross and Vsauce Michael have swapped personalities

Ya ever just smack your thighs together to see how loud of a noise you can make

sorry bro, we can't go to taco bell. my dog is fucking wasted and my license is suspended

Broke: performatively not understanding sports
Woke: performatively not understanding online drama

wikipedia has a list of cryptids and it's really funny because some of them are really complicated like "he's a small man with a red face who lives in the sea and you must answer his riddles"

while some are just "large snake"

Went to get groceries with my sister today and while we were in the car and she went AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for no reason and I was like hey uhhh what the fuck and she was like "MY UTERUS HURRRTS" and I was like "You Know What, Valid" and just let her continue to scream at random intervals for the rest of the way home

This dumpster inferno take just manifested fully-formed within my brain and now I must release it into the world. I am so sorry Show more

This happened literally the other day but I walked into the room and I was like "Hey dad so I was thinking-" and I swear to God this man just goes "Did it hurt." completely deadpan. Didn't even look up from his newspaper.

Like yeah I already know about the fuckin color wheel and shit but like, when something needs to be green I always pick The Wrong Green. always, every time. How do I know what is The Correct Green.

Hey @ artists who are good at knowing what colors to pick: How dare you understand colors. Teach me your secrets. Fuck you.

Sometimes I wish that Kill Six Billion Demons wasn't so incredibly mind-bogglingly good because for the rest of my life I'm going to be thinking of rad shit and then being like "wait god dammit KSBD already used that"

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