"Can you make me normal? My programming is... I don't know. Wrong." the robot said.
"Are you functional?" the technician asked.
"What? I don't know. No?"
"Let's focus on getting you functional. That's what's important. Once you're functional, we can consider being normal."

Santa only likes cookies because he thinks they are elf meat.

"Welcome. Please have a seat."
"Why did you ask me to come?"
"I just have a few questions."
"Is this a personity test?"
"The first question."
"It is, isn't it? Why? Don't I have rights?"
"The second question."
"You can't tell me I'm not a person!"
"No. You have proven you are."

"We have discovered what appears to be a portal to another world, possibly another dimension."
"Amazing! Have you sent explorers?"
"Er... Briefly. The portal seems to lead to, well, to under a giant child's bed."
"Okay... So?"
"They called us monsters!"

I heard a static crackle from my desk, saw a shimmer: a manuscript materialised.
The first thing I saw was a red stamp: REJECTED.
The second was my name, and a date five years from now.
The third, the title: "Temporal typography".
The fourth, a scribble in my own hand: "try now".

The succubus materialised in the pentagram, ready to fulfill any desire. The enchanter lifted their blanket.
"Come snuggle in, the film is about to start."

"Wait, you became a demon?"
I took another swig of beer. "Doesn't even cost your soul."
"Why? Do you have powers?"
"Nope. But I can be summoned. I'm saving a fortune in commuting costs."
"Cool, so-"
My friend and the bar faded. I was in the office.
"Sorry," my boss said, "but..."

The robot paused in the middle of the safety questionnaire.
"Excuse me," it said, "this question is unclear."
"Oh? 'Are you worried about hurting people?'. Yes?"
"Does this definition of 'people' include cats and dogs?"
"Would you hurt them?"
"No!"
"Then it does. Also, you pass."

We've extended our Black Friday deal for 1 more week. You can still come down to the quiet inland lake, divest yourself of all you hold dear, and let the water take you. 40% off. Act now and we'll throw in, as a bonus, an urban legend about your disappearance.

"You think I offered myself as tribute for that?" said the maiden.
"You're very brave," the dragon said. "Now stand-"
"Dude, no!"
"But-"
"We thought you would kill the village unless you got a virgin!"
"I never-"
"You just wanted me as bait so you can meet a unicorn? Ew!"

NEWS: Controversy at Montreal Dynamics funding event
The company, which aims to do for robotic cats what Boston Dynamics has done for dogs, announced it has received 57M$ in funding.
At the event, an ex-employee claimed v1.0 of the robocat only sleeps.
"It's just a stuffed doll!"

Earth signed the treaty to join the Galactic Union.
"You know," Earth's ambassador said after, "I'm surprised you didn't just invade and annex us."
"That was our plan," an Arjx confessed, "but we studied you, and what we saw terrified us."
"Really? Was it-"
"You have clowns."

The farm was gone.
"The fire started in the hen house," the fire brigade captain said. "What could have-"
"Did you find anything in the ashes?" the farmer asked.
"Like what?"
"A gold coin?"
"Why?"
"Ma said 'A hen broods on gold, she'll hatch a dragon bold'."
"We found no gold."

There was a sword, stuck into an anvil with "Whosoever draws this Sword from this Anvil shall be the True Master of their own Fate" written in gold.
It was easy to pull out. Then, it faded in my hand, to reappear in the anvil.
We could all remember the feeling of holding it.

The guitar was slightly out of tune. The words were trite, the rhymes strained. The voice wavered and wandered.
The music drew the Fey out of the woods.
"Do you remember," one said, "when we felt that strongly?"
"We never did."
They basked in the raw feelings, lost in emotion.

"Dad, there's a monster under my bed!"
"Oh? What does it want?"
"Wait, I'll ask..."
"Well?"
"It's afraid of the Roomba."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'll build a Lego wall for it to hide behind."
"Tomorrow."
"But dad!"
"Tomorrow. I'll turn the Roomba off for tonight."
"It says thanks!"

"Can you throw the bones for me?" the young woman asked.
"What is your concern?" said the witch.
"I don't fit."
A common concern among the young, but... The witch threw the bones and read them. "You must change, to stay who you are."
"Who I... " The young man blinked. "Oh!"

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