My mom, who will tell the most inane and pointless stories over and over, just casually revealed that she met John DeLorean many many times when she worked as a receptionist and kind of knew him. She has recited the story about the guy at the coffee shop who said Guatemala is in Africa so many times that I know it by heart beat for beat, but she never once brought up the story about how she sort of knew a famous person.

I feel like the Guardians of the Galaxy would like this song. I love the instrumentals. It makes me wish I were a rapper. It's a bright, high energy, fun and it helps me forget that it's fucking Monday and the car started making a weird noise Im going to have to deal with.

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Look at this little pepper that was growing inside another pepper. What a freak. A cruel mistake of nature.

Liberals think "Moscow Mitch" is the funniest nickname ever. In reality, "Cocaine Mitch" is the funniest nickname.

Not only is it not bad news, it's actually uplifting. If anyone bothers to pay attention at all it'll be to thank God that it wasn't worse. A picture of some kid with holes ripped through his body smiling from his hospital bed will brighten people's days and get thousands of likes and shares. When it's considered at all, surviving a mass killing is treated like some sort of badge of honor.

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People injured by shooters deserve more consideration. If a shooter only wounds someone, it's like it doesn't count. Rip someone's flesh to pieces. Shatter their bones and pulverize their organs. Take away their ability to walk or use their hands. Saddle them with physical and mental trauma and years of grueling and expensive rehabilitation. As long as they're still breathing, they're an afterthought.

I went out on a date tonight. Dates are fun. I need to go on more dates.

Who are these people who eat at Blimpie's? Why do you do this to yourself?

I think one of the worst experiences is listening to a podcast where you know more about the topic than the hosts.

@robotcarsley btw cheez it croquettes get a thumbs up. I added a little sharp cheddar and the flavor really pops. Good tip.

A 5 pound salmon yields enough meat for approximately 30 medium sized croquettes. You can feed about 15 people with one fish.

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