Phoenix Baker @Featherwatt@mastodon.social

There are already so many butts on the internet that if you made it your full-time 9 to 5 job to look at all the butts, one butt every second, 5 days a week and maybe a couple hours of overtime near the holidays for extra present money, you would die before you'd seen them all.

In fact, the rate of buttposting is increasing all the time - by the time you die, there may even be more new-to-you butts online than when you started. It's an unending task.

And yet people look at Twitter.

And when regular people butt photos aren't enough, you can draw a butt, paint a butt, 3D model a butt, the butt of a ghost or a mermaid or a werewolf or a dragon or a robot.

Now the real world and its pesky sensible biology or so-called laws of physics aren't in the way, the already overwhelming diversity of butts extends into another dimension and increases exponentially, and there are dozens more by now. More butts, and more types of butt, than you can imagine.

Right now someone's taking a picture of their butt and posting it online.

In the time it takes you to read this sentence, someone's taken a picture of a friend, colleague or loved one's butt, and (consensually ofc) posted that online too.

There's every kind of butt on the internet. Any shape, any size, any gender, any ethnicity, any age, all of it, variety unlimited.

I'm not just gonna say, like, hey I'm in a bind give me money Fediverse, I wanna give something in exchange

I'm sitting in a Midas being told I'm half a grand down for new rotors, please boost and buy my furry porn https://www.phoenixbaker.net/foxbutt.php

🙋Lotta deliveries happening today
🧙‍♀️Yes, there's the flour coming in for the bakery, and there's the big drums of vegetable oil for the diner, and whup the flour guys are unloading big barrels of really sticky looking honey now
🙋
🧙‍♀️and here are the bees to go with them
🙋why do all the delivery trucks only have three wheels
🧙‍♀️round here we think the Robin Reliant was the best car ever invented tyvm

🧙‍♀️That looks great up there, well done!
👩‍💻 👏
🙋😐

🙋This is treacherous
👩‍💻Yes story time this morning was about a cat who roller skates
👩‍💻So naturally we brought in lots of roller skates
👩‍💻And cats

🧙‍♀️Hey that's a terrible place to put that inkvase Jennifer
👩‍💻Do you think so?
🧙‍♀️Yes, it'd be more impressive if it were up on a higher shelf - like maybe that one there by the children's area.
👩‍💻Hm, you're right
🧙‍♀️Hey,
🙋yes
🧙‍♀️you're tall
🙋 :(

🧙‍♀️Anyway Jennifer my friend here needs a library card, can you help?
👩‍💻Sure just fill out this form!
🙋Is that... an inkwell and quill?
👩‍💻Yes, we're old-school here.
🙋"Inkwell" isn't really the word though, that's a VASE of ink
👩‍💻Yes, we keep it next to the first editions, classier that way
🙋Really tall vase
🙋and very narrow
👩‍💻Where did I put that staple gun

I looked it up and yup sneezing erotica is a thing, I'm not sure whether "total chaos caused by sneezing" erotica is a thing though.

Perhaps it should be?

🧙‍♀️Hey librarian Jennifer, whatcha doing up on that stepladder with that staplegun?
👩‍💻Oh, I'm just putting up this health-and-safety poster.
🧙‍♀️Fair enough. Oh no, I dropped my library card!
🙋Hm
🧙‍♀️Let me just
🙋Yup
🧙‍♀️Bend down and

Can I make this into a lewd story? Someone struggling not to sneeze because they're on a street that's one sudden motion away from absolute pandemonium has to be SOMEONE's fetish, right?

🧙‍♀️Well, here we are at the library! They're just having a million dollars' worth of extremely rare one-of-a-kind manuscripts delivered, so
🙋Holy shit
🧙‍♀️Yeah so watch out for the dust
🙋 ?
🧙‍♀️You wouldn't want to
🧙‍♀️SNEEZE
🧙‍♀️just in case
🧙‍♀️SOMETHING
🧙‍♀️were to HAPPEN

🧙‍♀️Here's the local pachinko parlour - on no, someone's spilled all their pachinko balls outside!
👩‍🎤I see them, I was just having a smoke before I pick them up. Wouldn't want anyone to slip on them.
🙋I don't believe I've ever seen a pachinko parlour before.
👩‍🎤It's a niche thing, I'll admit. I just like having a bunch of 11mm steel ball bearings around the place, and I run the magnet shop next door and the glazier's across the street so it seemed like a logical progression.
🙋uh

🧙‍♀️Anyway the library's just past the hardware store - see Mags up on the ladder there?
🙋Repainting the sign?
👩‍🎨Staining actually!
🧙‍♀️Let's just walk around her ladder and give her a wide berth - wouldn't wanna get dripped on.
👩‍🎨Good call, this stuff never comes out. Oh, mind the unicycling juggler, he's going for a world record

👨‍🍳Nah it ain't gonna kill you or nothing but there's a real fine line between a nice tongue tingle and a night of explosive diarrhoea
🙋Goodness
🧙‍♀️That's a 55-gallon drum, right?
👨‍🍳Two of 'em, I'm stocking up for the year. Just gotta hold it real steady while I get the cellar door open.
🧙‍♀️Well we'll leave you to it and not distract you further
👨‍🍳preciateit

🧙‍♀️Poor Sasha. Anyway, the library's this way - we're just passing the fireworks shop here on the left, and over the road to the right is the best restaurant in town, Big Jim's - oh hi Jim! You getting a delivery?
👨‍🍳Yeah, this here's the special stuff. One pinch of this gives the soup a nice kick.
🙋One pinch, huh?
👨‍🍳Yeah, one pinch. NO MORE. Gotta be judicious with the stuff. HEY YOUSE GUYS BE CAREFUL DAMNIT, YOU DON'T WANNA BREATHE THIS STUFF IN
🧙‍♀️It isn't dangerous, is it Jim?

🧙‍♀️Good lord Tony what happened to you?
🤕Poor Sasha here broke a tooth, she's really out of sorts as you can see.
🧙‍♀️Yes I see that, that carrier's really violently thrashing around huh. Poor Sasha, she's normally such a well-behaved skunk.
🤕Well she's really pissed off right now, I'm just taking her in to see doc Jones.
🙋uh... has she bitten you, dude? Your belt's all, kinda...
🤕Oh, thank you, I didn't even notice that. Wow, my pants are being held up by a THREAD huh
🧙‍♀️Good luck Tony