I have things I want to say but cannot because I have to be d̯̙i̯͕̜̫̖ͅp̢͔̻̩̰̥l̤̝ͅo͕͙̗m͈a̸̩̰t̖͞i̺̺̯ͅc͈̫͈

@Gargron I almost wish that you were a little less so. I have seen a lot of negativity thrown towards what you have been doing, and it's not so much that people are unhappy that's bothering me, or that they don't like the decisions, but the intensity of the negativity.

A lot of the people who are saying these things, I often see where they're coming from, but, um, ah, I don't know.

@JigmeDatse @Gargron You do understand that being subjected to constant abuse is mentally taxing, don't you?

I love the people who come in fresh and are like "grow up", yeah, let me tell you that after *you* feel really shitty one day, I guess I'll be helping you in your book?

@MatejLach I'm not quite sure where you're going with this.

I know if you are asking *me* that you clearly don't know me at all. Because if you did, you would know that the answer to that is "hell yeah, do you?"

If you're addressing to to Gargon, I think that you would probably get a similar answer.

Now why are you addressing it to *us*?

Could you define a "really shitty day?" because your message reads like a "fuck you two."

But it couldn't be. Because to do that would be abusive.

@JigmeDatse I meant to reply to @scanlime but somehow ended up replying to you, sorry!

I think you and me are on the same side here. What I meant to say is that when @Gargron had a shitty day, (because of constant abuse), it's not helpful to say "grow up" and the sort of macho types who say shit like that are usually the first ones to cry when they have a shitty day.

@MatejLach @Gargron OK, cool. Glad that it was misdirected. Yes, I think that we are. Gargon needs to (in my opinion) not "grow up" in the sense of not being impacted by the negativity, but needs to be willing to accept it.

@Gargron I want to thank you again for considering the input you got, and I hope that the work you did will be able to be used in some form down the road. It sucks that these sensitive issues draw out strong feelings that then get directed at you.

An abuse-risk evaluation panel that could consider these things might be a helpful way to approach them that can give you the input you need without making you the focus of the discourse.

@lawremipsum @Gargron a seconding of this.

i both think there are some pretty valid concerns about the trending thing and also think there's a separate structural problem of Discoursing At People which really falls hard on a primary dev. i've been staying out of this one because i get a pretty strong vibe of the kind of correctness ratcheting infighting that finally drove me away from metafilter.

there must be ways to do this better.

@Gargron Writing diplomatic like that isn't really helping anyone. However.

This is exactly why I said this earlier today:

Sit with the feelings, don't share them, until you have taken proper time (and this takes days / weeks to do) to process them.

@maloki @Gargron I am of a very differing opinion. The people who are most likely to *not* respond and express their emotions are the people who are most likely to take the advice that you give here. Not that it's not sound... But they are people who *need* to be encouraged to express their emotions.

This is a recipe for stuffing emotions which is soul destroying. Lashing out is *not* good, but lashing out, and expressing emotions are practically polar opposites.

@JigmeDatse Ehm. Sitting with emotions and EXAMINING them and examining where they come from and examining if it's based in a bias or something else. Is NOT stuffing them away.

You're reading into this something that I'm not saying.

@JigmeDatse Taking that time (which barely any people do to be honest), is huge, and very useful to learn to understand yourself, how you react and why.

It will eventually help you understand why OTHER PEOPLE react the way they do too.

@maloki I suspect that if you are saying "it will help you understand why other people react the way they do too." and you are reacting the way you are to me, I would say you clearly are *not* doing it right. Because you have attacked both myself and Gargon for expressing feelings, or more for not expressing feelings, and saying that we should stop not expressing feelings and just take a break from doing so, and just "think" instead...

@JigmeDatse Some of the things I say to Gargron is also directly connected to things that he and I have discussed in private over the past year, since I have been involved with Mastodon as a volunteer, enthusiast and sometimes Project Manager. That's his and mine context when we talk. We have a history.

Emotional labour is about learning to process your feelings without lashing out on people.

@maloki Perhaps you should take your own advice a bit better. You "have a history" which is a way of saying that you are taking the fact that you and he have spoken heavily. You said directly to him, "Being diplomatic this way is not helping." and that you told him to "Sit with the feelings and not express them."

This is a very strong history, and you need to examine your part in this.

@JigmeDatse I said _writing_ Diplomatic.

was I the only one who saw it?

Do you see how Diplomatic looks on this picture?

@maloki Yes, I did. And I expressed that I wished he would *express* what his feelings and thoughts about this were.

You on the other hand have basically said "don't do it, and that would be very wrong" and not just once, but repeatedly.

The point is, you have failed to understand repeatedly that your actions and expressions are very much *telling* people to stuff their emotions, because you believe strongly that the expression of them is wrong.

Do you lack empathy?

@maloki I saw it and took it be condescending to the idea of diplomacy having value and instead just being something you suffer. Like new age scare quotes

@maloki Multiple places, go read what you said, and how you responded to me. If you feel that there was nothing wrong, I doubt that I could actually explain. Because I actually tried already, and your response has been this...

Allistics are hard for me.

@maloki No, I'm telling you the effect of what you are saying, not reading into something it something that you're not saying.

I'm sorry I didn't put a 500 character preamble on that explaining the difference between effects of what a person is saying, and the intention of what the person saying being a different thing.

To state "I didn't say that" when I was speaking of how it affects people like myself (who it appears Gargon is, and you criticized him for being like that), is disingenuous.

@Gargron Time to create a new social network, so you can say whatever you want there, and... oh wait

Good. I know you're in a tight spot, but civility, and "diplomacy" if you want, are what makes communities work. No more oil on this fire, for the good of all. Give it a week. And thanks for the development efforts.

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