🚨 HAPPY CRIMBUS Y'ALL 🚨
i snuck into the dark creepy building with no power on xmas for this
walking up unpowered escalators is fuckin creepy in a dark ass lobby btw
i went back again folks
🐎🐎🐎 HOWDY CHRISTMAS AND A CLOPPY NEW YEAR 🐎🐎🐎
the sad thing is
he's gonna get back to work on the 6th
unaware that horseday shenanigans have happened on both holiday Tuesdays
and he's gonna get in at like 5 or 6 AM like the lunatic that he is
so we don't get to witness his initial reaction to any of it
i'm at a cracker barrel and i'm quite certain that my co-worker could use a nice candle to brighten up his desk
"you got any horse stuff?"
me: "probably not, eh? no one's been here for three weeks"
"yep. yep. remember my note? 'leave cash next time'? they left THIS."
"...where do you even get stuff like that?"
"i have no idea. no clue."
"and they bought me a $20 book too! somebody's willing to spend MONEY on this prank."
"the perfect horse..." (he snorts loudly)
me: "is that a note?"
"handwriting. that's evidence!"
me: "you gotta compare that to people's handwriting around here"
"looks like a lady's handwriting to me... dudes don't write like that. look at the a's. right zoey?"
me: "yeah, looks like it. don't recognize it though"
"yeah exactly, no one writes shit these days, it's all electronic. this doesn't help"
"i bet it's Donna."
(skeptical, pointing) "Donna???"
"no, not that Donna, prankster Donna."
"hmmmm. yeah, maybe. i dunno when she's even been up here though."
"i still say it's Carlos."
godsdamnit i just heard him shouting "DONNA. DONNA." and realized that the big heated discussion for the last hour I've been ignoring with headphones switched from work to horses at some point and i missed it
HE TAUNTS US
they're talking about the horses
"[...] heck, i was a little disappointed yesterday, when nothing appeared. i was waiting for it. waiting for it."
"it *was* tuesday"
"yep. yep. somehow someway donna or brian know i'm onto them. i ain't stressed about it, don't bother me none."
"well *I* think it's Brent."
"it couldn't be! here, look at this handwriting. you think *that's* from *Brent*???"
"why didn't i get horsed yesterday? i swear they know when i have the camera up and they don't come anywhere near here. they know."
"but how could they know?"
"cuz one of YOU are an ACCOMPLICE."
laughter all around
HAPPY TUESDAY MOTHERFUCKER
oh god he's back already that was way too close
OH GOD HE FOUND IT IMMEDIATELY I CAN HEAR THE WRAPPING PAPER CRINKLING
I CAN HEAR LOTS OF CRINKLING AND LOTS OF TEXT MESSAGING
THE TEXTS HAVE NOT STOPPED
HE HAS NOT APPROACHED
I HAVE PUT IN EARBUDS AND HAVE A SCREENSHOT OF A CONFERENCE CALL ON MY SCREEN SO THAT HE BELIEVES I'VE BEEN BUSY THIS WHOLE TIME
I HAVE NOT CHANCED EVEN THE SLIGHTEST OF GLANCES BEHIND ME
WHO IS HE TEXTING? WHAT ARE THEY REPLYING? I AM TYPING GIBBERISH INTO NOTEPAD BETWEEN POSTING THESE UPDATES BECAUSE I AM A DILIGENT EMPLOYEE WHO CARES VERY MUCH ABOUT HER WORK AND HAS NO TIME FOR "PRANKS"
to be honest i don't really have a clue what i'm supposed to be doing right now or most days
do i have tasks today? i sure as fuck don't know, and no one else seems to know either
what do i do here? what even is an office? who the fuck knows
HE MOVED IT TO THE FRONT OF HIS DESK AT SOME POINT
THE TEXTS CONTINUE, UNABATED
HE DIDNT UNWRAP IT??? WHAT WAS ALL THAT CRINKLING????? WAS HE SEARCHING FOR CLUES? DID I LEAVE A LONGASS ZOEYHAIR AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME????
I don't think I mentioned this in the thread earlier, but they found one of my hairs a month ago when I added the rider to the horse
my hair goes down to my waist, it's incredibly long, and the single black hair they found was about 4 feet long .... YYYYYEP THAT'S ME
this is when they had formed The Tribunal and these donkeys immediately ruled me out because "WELL THE HAIR'S NOT RED, SO IT CAN'T HAVE COME FROM ZOEY" because they have zero idea how hair works (to be fair, most of them don't have much hair left i guess)
they instead starting teasing the target "EY YOU BEEN HAVIN GIRLS COMING OVER TO YOUR CUBE BUD?"
i sat over here in disbelief the entire time
oh i forgot the picture to accompany the entry before last! Here You Go
anyway how they came to the conclusion that 100% of my hair is dyed red when i very obviously and very intentionally did a black and red thing, and was sitting RIGHT HERE IN EYESIGHT WITH PLENTY OF BLACK HAIR, continues to be beyond me
they've never brought it up again
they all immediately wrote it off and forgot
OKAY WHO IS TEXTING HIM, WHO IS HE TEXTING, WHAT ARE THEY PLOTTING, WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?????? THE TEXTS STILL HAVE NOT STOPPED
IS HE IN A HORSE DETECTIVE GROUP CHAT??????????
OKAY GANG WE'RE SAFE
he just called me over to show me the candle
he has no idea that it was only there for like 47 seconds before he found it, he rarely pays attention to that shelf but went for a salt shaker to put on some eggs and went "AH SON OF A BITCH" when he immediately noticed the lurking horse
he doesn't know whether it showed up last week or today
me: "where the hell do you even get a horsehead candle???"
"I DUNNO, I DUNNO. -laughing- look at this damned thing"
🚨 TARGET LOCKED 🚨
PAGE 1 OF ??? HAS BEEN DELIVERED
ONCE PER MONTH, THE HORSE WILL BECOME INCREASINGLY LARGER, CLOSER TO THE FOREGROUND, WITH THE PEACEFUL MEADOW GRADUALLY INCREASING IN CORRUPTION
here is a rough mock-up of the planned payloads (NOT FINAL DRAFTS!!!), sans background corruption fuckery
PAGE ??? OF ??? (the finale) will be a gruesome sight to behold, and its appearance will herald the arrival of ADDITIONAL HORSE FIGURINES
the target has returned from lunch, and is sitting in his desk. the HORSE PAYLOAD is two inches behind him.
fairly certain he has not noticed its presence
i think he noticed it while i was in the bathroom
he's convinced that this was the work of "Donna", who apparently came by earlier
i made sure to run a horseday operation today because Carlos (his former prime suspect) and Brent (his other prime suspect) had both been in town and around the office yesterday... but i think i inadvertently cleared Carlos, as he's working across town today. woop
it was gonna be one page per week and the escalations were gonna be super gradual but i'm going on vacation in 2 weeks and my dad refused to be my accomplice for an AIRTIGHT ALIBI of horse sightings occurring while i'm on the other end of the country
once per month is the only non-suspicious plot i can go with
🚨 YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 🚨
and i cannot stress this enough,
🚨 HAAAWWWWWWWW 🚨
i'm sorry but i'm gonna miss his initial reaction to it because i'm leaving for lunch early to avoid suspicion (had a very narrow window to get this up)
BACK AT MY DESK AND LISTENING INTENTLY
THE PAYLOAD IS MIA
no one is discussing the horse incident
i dunno if i just missed the discussion or if he quietly put it away, the only thing they're hollering about is the Boomer Flu
i am disappoint
it's fine, it's fine -- i've spent the time making a rough draft of the next page, feel free to spoiler yourself by taking a look, or leave the media hidden so things are still fresh when it happens!!
there's no fucking way THIS one won't trigger at least a heated debate though
@Gargron damn i wish that was about me, that's life goals right there
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