The enemy of my enemy is actually a gigantic jerk. I can see why my enemy feels this way.

If we were truly able to separate the art from the artist, we'd have two awful things with George W. Bush's paintings.

What does Elon Musk have that I don't besides a cursed ring that grants wishes?

Never underestimate the capacity for people to change. Just today my nemesis came me and said "I will bury you" To go from trying to kill me every day to offering to cover my funeral costs shows remarkable growth.

*deep breath*

GEN Z PARENT: If all your friends jumped off a cliff without first telling viewers to like and subscribe would you do it?

Ugh, how embarrassing. The detective who suspects me of murder told me not to leave town and I said "you too" back

SPOUSE: close the damn door, I'm paying to heat the outdoors
ME: Actually several generations of unchecked consumption have guaranteed that you, and all subsequent generations are in fact paying to heat the outdoors

Outrageous! Self proclaimed socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said "What? Who is this? Its 2:14 in the morning" when I called to ask how she planned to pay for food stamps for wild lizards, which I assume she wants.

Writing prompt: a stranger donates their kidney to save your life. Only later do you find out that it wasn't a stranger, but your coworker Kevin.
Since Kevin is the worst, describe how you'd remove his gross ass organ from your body.

Writing prompt: You are selected to captain the first interstellar starship.
This was due to a clerical error and the letter was supposed to go to someone actually qualified.
Get off this ship before you embarrass yourself.

It seems like corporations have more power than ever, but it's not as bad as it was in the 1980s, when for three years Dominos bought the rights to change Illinois to Illi-Noid

Designers need to just set the default as "no vibration" for everything except sex toys and cats.

[my TEDTalk]
"That's when I asked myself, can I end bigotry in America by making absurdist jokes?
No, of course not. That's a complicated problem and my jokes aren't that good. It was a bad idea and you shouldn't have given me a TED Talk for it"

Writing prompt: Circumstances place the last of an endangered species in your care. Explain how badly you'd fuck that up

*watching Abbott and Costello*
ME: just fuck already

"That's close enough," I tell people who are approximately correct or endearing themselves to me emotionally

Everyone had that one elementary school teacher who overreacted about how important standardized tests were, then when you failed one, they disappeared forever

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