Sometimes I️ put my testicles next to speakers and play the Like Mike soundtrack on full blast so my sperms will grow up to be good at basketball. Science is so neat.

‪I’m proud to announce I️ will be launching a new line of sweaters for your penis. High fashion looks your phallus coming to a 7/11 near you.‬

‪I’ve never had an allergy test so one day I️ might just try some new exotic dish and die, which is probably the most exciting thing about me.

We could manufacture super soldiers if we combined the fearlessness of the elderly with the eccentricism of the youth and the physicality of the kids who did steroids in high school.

I’m opening a new medical practice that will specialize in surgically implanting Tape Worms for cosmetic reasons.

Investors, hit me up!

The charity I’m choosing to have people donate to for my birthday on FB next year is gonna be my Venmo account.

Taking key bumps of Fun Dip in the work bathroom 🤟

Oregon State, my alma mater, is 39 point underdogs on Saturday but Ohio State is without their domestic abuse sympathizer head coach sooooo who knows

I️ didn’t eat those mini breakfast sausages for a good 5-6 years when I was a child because my mom told me they were made from squirrel tales on a camping trip one time and that shit traumatized me

Having your jokes bomb at work is a much more defeating feeling than having your jokes bomb at an open mic

Good day sir, my name is Leon Topsky, and I️ would like to have a chat with you about Topskyism, where you apply Marxist ideals to get top.

Today is most certainly a bong rip on my lunch break type day

Work rn got me feeling like I️ should cannon ball off the top of the Grand Canyon

Yeah I’ll probably get a couple minutes later in my car

Don’t mind me just tooting purely from suggestive typing

Why you don’t want me going back on the weekend to see y’all tomorrow? I’m sorry to say I gotta get you a little more.

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