Lindsay boosted

I’m not like most guys. I’m a little weird, a little nerdy. Like, I like sports, but, you know, I also like video games.

you: I've booked a table at fancy restaurant so we can have a romantic evening tonight

me: the McRib is back

Lindsay boosted
Lindsay boosted

Somebody on twitter just said "Mr Clean is hentai for wine moms" and now I'm not gonna be able to sleep

[reaching into an old jacket pocket]

you: Hey, twenty bucks! Neat.

me: Oh, uhh... an old dog treat.

Lindsay boosted

Take me down to the Parody City where the words are changed to a familiar ditty

Lindsay boosted

Allergy Season 1989
I am gesundheit
410,757,864,530 USED TISSUES

Lindsay boosted

fun fact there are some map seams that, when not loaded properly, will loop for a short while until the next portion of the map loads. however, due to an error in programming, it’s possible to exploit these seams to reduce travel time. we often do this subconsciously on return trips, explaining how some return trips feel shorter than the trip to that place.

They were out of army costumes at the store so now my viral video is going to be "Dog Reacts To Owner Returning From Three Years Serving As A Dracula In Afghanistan"

it's only 10:30am and I think the spiciest take of the day has already gone to "Marie Kondo is classist"

Me: This Gillette ad seems pretty cool. Men can and should work harder to be better people

Social media: Yeah but did you know that Gillette is a CORPORATION

Me: Oh shit, yeah. I guess I forgot

"Where do you work?"
I do the before segments for infomercials
"You're an actor?"
Not exactl-*I stumble violently spilling chips everywhere*

Enjoying a five course degustation with wine pairing at a local restaurant. I will not apologise for being bougie in this manner.

@Dayglochainsaw my old Nokia brick had a flashlight before smartphones were even a thing

@some_qualia I hate it so much. I hate their smug attitudes about it.

@toilet "if I unfollow you your toots probably scared me"

One guy would rather block me than admit he hasn't considered everything. That I'm a complete ignoramus for suggesting intersectionality over rigid class politics. I bet he was white.

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