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It’s honestly impressive how Ted Cruz manages to be the least likeable politician imaginable while Donald Trump is the president

Making a billion dollars by starting a dating app for gay muppets called Grovr

Exploiting people when they’re most vulnerable means capitalism is working as intended

Whenever someone makes fun of Gen Z for doing Fortnite dances just remember baby boomers had one called The Mashed Potato and we’re all supposed to pretend that’s fine

Final proof that the world ended in 2012 and we are living in hell now

Congratulations to all the Emmy winners tonight. But there are no well-wishes to the bald menace Caillou, whose insufferable antics won him zero awards yet again

There will be kids 50 years from now that are like “I was born in the wrong generation” but for the 2000’s. They’ll just want to listen to Soulja Boy or fight in the Iraq War or buy peanut butter and jelly that comes in the same jar for some reason

People who wear cargo shorts:

-25% Step Dads
-25% Cops
-20% Libertarians
-20% People with velcro wallets
-9% Eminem fans
-1% Actual hikers

Elon Musk is definitely getting fired soon because he got mad online everyday instead of just watching Rick and Morty and saying quotes like “the past of tomorrow is the future today” like every other tech CEO

My sister‘s birthday is on 9/11 and she turned 17 today. She’s now old enough to join the military and fight in Afghanistan. The US started a never-ending war where the people who were born after it began can now die in it

me: h-

Youth Pastor: The real Fortnite Battle Royale is between good and evil. Do not get caught in “the storm” of the Devil. Drink of the chug jug that is Jesus’s blood and be blessed with a Battle Pass to heaven’s gates. Amen

Saturday night. Time to shotgun a kombucha and try astral projection

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