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im just drifting thru a leaf in the gutter during a storm when the waters like vroom....inevitably gonna plunge into a sewer but its aight

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"i wanna be a mastodon funnyman!" he cried, "make me a mastodon funnyman!"

but the mastodon funnymaster did not say anything. he just kept on tooting

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me: i like your shoelaces :3
the mugger trying to take my wallet: stabs me repeatedly

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the cishet man in my discord server is pretending he's woke again send help

Again uhh apologies in advance i Want to be posting and all but mental health decided 2 murder me so i Doubt i will be on much fr the next few days just bc. bleh

im really sorry that i havent been on much it has not been a good week're with her now? well...i guess i'll just have to show you what you're missing. (vomits into my new girlfriends mouths. they are all anime girls with giant boobs. i am like a mama bird. they love me)

lol just watched this dude named kenku get beheaded by guillotine for treason what a loser

[pulled up outside of @LuckyLuciano s house in a rickshaw, ringing the bell insistently] get in the fuckin cart youre coming with me to power user camp

the way she looks...the way she smiles...the way she signs the geneva protocol...i didnt even say her name but she popped into your head didnt she

the cosmic grubs are feeding on my organs

*gets really close to microphone*
my namea jeff

if youve ever quoted that "we're the rats" thing youre automatically a bottom

full offence but the best vines are "hi my names derek welcome to pizza hut" and "just got diagnosed with cool guy syndrome" and theyre underrated as shit. anyone who thinks those arent fucking hilarious is invalid

any other social media i have is depressing as fuck now compared to mastodon

(sitting in court waiting for judge) if he doesnt show up for 15 minutes am i legally allowed to leave

sorry trump but i passed a petition around my class and it has 100 signatures now so you have to make chocolate milk the official national drink

party rockers in the horse tonight. the horse ate them all. this is so sad

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