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Hello new social network! I'm a writer from , of seven , working currently on a MURDER MYSTERY set in . This is all very exciting. Say hi!

Apparently my favourite genre of music is something I could not possibly identify if it came on just now. (This is what a year in writing, needing atmospheric background music looks like.)

I always miscalculate the distance from my bum to the toilet seat when I wear heels and wind up flailing in space for five seconds each time before landing with a thud. (toilet seats are further away than you think!)

PS: a dirty secret is buying vast quantities of your own book in bulk from bookstores/Amazon so it looks like you're a bestseller then you get recommended as a bestseller, selling more books. (I have not tried this, I'm too poor & proud like the March sisters.)

This is depressing but your book might not sell AT ALL, no matter how much you push it. Your book might become a sleeper hit despite no marketing at all. But stay positive as we all do, because we all know our next book is the one that'll make us rich and famous. :)

Sadly, authors have to do their own marketing now. Maybe not sadly, who knows your book better than you do? Attend all the festivals (you never know) (I think I sell an average of 5 copies per festival), do your own readings, but remember it's all down to some vagueries

The only thing that works for books is word of mouth. WORD OF MOUTH. Not reviews, not book prizes, not a big fancy launch. You're probably like, "Okay but how do I make that happen?" Again, it's a lottery but since we're in this social media age, you can make it snowball

Sometimes stars will align & everything will go your way & you'll sell your film rights & everyone's talking about your book, YOUR BOOK. But other times, your book, your excellent & gorgeous book will just quietly come out & quietly disappear. There's no science to this.

I'm sorry, guys, the big book launch is for your own ego, it won't make your book a bestseller. What makes a book a bestseller? I like to think of it as a random game of luck.

So, I've had seven books out. Publicity has varied from a several city tour organised by the publishers to me doing all the organising myself each time I travelled and it has not made ANY difference.

I've been reading a bunch of posts on book events and whether they sell books, and I've got to tell you they do not.

Are all these politicians pretending onions are not a vegetable? I guess I have to start putting it in my fruit salad now. Yumm watermelon and onions for breakfast yummmm

Question: a) how does everyone on TV have the latest in cell phones all the time when I have been using mine for three years now & b) how does no one talk about it when literally all I do when I get a new phone is to say "have you seen my PHOOOONE?"

You know when you look at 2020 written down like that and you were born in 1981 don't you just feel for a second how old you are? How old we ALL are?

Show me a picture of your hobby ie something you do for pure fun, no money. Here are some pictures I painted today

@Airtel_Presence@twitter.com (I really do sound paranoid. this is what happens when you read too much news, kids. The world seems out to get you.)

Okay weird. I've been getting messages from @Airtel_Presence@twitter.com about a complaint I made about network problems? But! I have not made this complaint. Then I get an email saying "resumption confirmation." I mean, I realise I sound paranoid, but is someone trying to hack my phone?

A couple of years ago @50datesindelhi@twitter.com & I worked on a book together (Split!) and I had a karaoke book launch & we reworked Wannabe to fit our situation. Here it is in all its glory

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