Every time my phone updates the manufacturer shovelware that can't be deleted gets more obnoxious. Don't make me jailbreak.

Another kitty by my sister. This is Diva, which sis' inherited from me. Her original name was Peaches, but Diva suits her better.

‪Misheard “It’s a million degrees out today” as “8mm 3 is out today.”‬

‪I had so many questions.‬

oh since he's now back on mastodon apparently, everyone follow @alex_mastodonoftheuniverse and if this toot gets 5 faves he has to come see mamma mia with me

sexually explicit 

when i change out the cat litter my male cat likes to bully the female away so he can get the first fresh poop.

and you know what? I get that

🎶 I dreamed a dream of Mastodon gone by

When toots were great and all worth boosting

I dreamed the memes would never die

I dreamed Eugen would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

The jokes were made, and used, and wasted

There were no mods muting our friends

And no dog-piles across instances 🎶

...

🎶 But Wil Wheaton comes at night... 🎶

Classic joke format: A bunch of crows are called a "murder of crows" but what do you call a bunch of murderers? 

reminder that mastodon.social is now a PvP instance, so if i find you out here and i do some kind of bowing emote, it means i'm about to whack you with some weird limited high level battle-axe just covered in gaudy particle effects.

good morning tooters. hope everyone gets a chance to smile today

My cat steps on my boobs every morning, then sticks his tongue in my ear. When I reject him, he humps the stuffed elephant my boyfriend won for me at the carnival.

lumpy, bumpy, thin, hard, slippery seat pillows are the bane of my existence.

Ooooo, more about Dune.

In chapter sixteen of the first book. Jessica say, "Profits have a way of dying by violence" That Bene Gesserit is WOKE

noob here. I set my language filter to English but I still get tons of Japanese in my federation feed. Am I missing something?

In 4 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and.. 10 seconds my ldr bf will be arriving at the airport 😍 yay! Toot toot toot!

My coworkers are extremely intimidated by my massive, Linux-powered, encrypted laptop. Gotta let em know I mean BUSINESS.

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