Every time my phone updates the manufacturer shovelware that can't be deleted gets more obnoxious. Don't make me jailbreak.

Another kitty by my sister. This is Diva, which sis' inherited from me. Her original name was Peaches, but Diva suits her better.

‪Misheard “It’s a million degrees out today” as “8mm 3 is out today.”‬

‪I had so many questions.‬

sexually explicit 

The squishy, wet tongue noise my cat self-cleaning resembles the soft moist sounds of a woman fingering herself, which makes sense because he's licking a pussy.

when i change out the cat litter my male cat likes to bully the female away so he can get the first fresh poop.

and you know what? I get that

Classic joke format: A bunch of crows are called a "murder of crows" but what do you call a bunch of murderers? 

A defense contractor.

plz boost.

reminder that mastodon.social is now a PvP instance, so if i find you out here and i do some kind of bowing emote, it means i'm about to whack you with some weird limited high level battle-axe just covered in gaudy particle effects.

good morning tooters. hope everyone gets a chance to smile today

My cat steps on my boobs every morning, then sticks his tongue in my ear. When I reject him, he humps the stuffed elephant my boyfriend won for me at the carnival.

lumpy, bumpy, thin, hard, slippery seat pillows are the bane of my existence.

Ooooo, more about Dune.

In chapter sixteen of the first book. Jessica say, "Profits have a way of dying by violence" That Bene Gesserit is WOKE

noob here. I set my language filter to English but I still get tons of Japanese in my federation feed. Am I missing something?

In 4 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and.. 10 seconds my ldr bf will be arriving at the airport 😍 yay! Toot toot toot!

My coworkers are extremely intimidated by my massive, Linux-powered, encrypted laptop. Gotta let em know I mean BUSINESS.

My sister's work, Lenny the barnyard cat. My sister had a healthcare crisis 6 years ago and lost her ability to draw. Now she is recovering much of her old skill. Lenny looks great.

@secondary_world [ doctor enters with a clipboard ] i have bad news. you have adult-onset talkin about phantom of the paradise syndrome

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