I took a deep breath, adjusting my now raven hair, and stepped inside... only to be greeted thus.
"Dammit Sawyer, you know you're not allowed in here, leave."
"Sawyer? I'm Quinn, I've never been to this crumby place before!" I had to defend myself from this vicious accusation. I reached for a menu.
"S--Quinn. Maybe. If you didn't spend so much money on disguises and fake IDs, MAYBE you could FINALLY pay off your tab. Please go."
I pushed over a table as I ran, afraid for my life. Hated.
"Nobody liked who I was, so I became someone else. But they didn't like who I became. I changed myself again. Once more, they did not approve of me. Once more, I altered myself for them, over & over, only to be ridiculed, never allowed to participate in their discourse & merriment. Always declined and unfairly mocked. Made to feel unwelcome, so again, I make myself anew, another name, another face... Perhap, tonight... I will be accepted."
"Wow, you've really gotten your weight down."
"Yeah been doing 1-2 hours of aerobics every day for the last 3 months."
"That's... a lot! How're you doing it?"
"At the expense of my kneEes."
"Maybe you should switch to swimming at the community center...?"
"And leave my seal-skin unguarded there?!"
"Lockers are LOCKABLE, Fiona."
"...the resident nixie is also really mean."
"Hildred RUNS the place."
"And she's a huge binch!"
"Ustazah! Ms. Walter's pig got into the surau and won't come out! She's not home!"
Hajijah furrowed her brow, pulling out her phone, "Hi, Lemuel. Busy? Ronnie's MIA and her pig escaped again... got into the surau. Won't leave. Can you and your buddies handle that ASAP, please? Thanks."
"Who did you call?" a student asked, as she texted the Imam.
"Just some Christian friends who're good with animals. Let's go start lessons in the playground."
"..Oh, oh! I just remembered the weirdest thing I experienced at work; these 4 guys in trench coats & fedoras all with the same skin condition. They paid cash but I never saw their hands put the money on the counter..."
"Wow, maybe they were ninjas, ahaha!"
"You're a dork, ninjas aren't real. What about you Mel?"
"I swear one time I saw a brain skittering across our parking lot. The security footage was blurry so maybe it was just a raccoon?"
"I know you're a dragon and hoarding is your thing but these take-away menus are a fire hazard... and kindda worthless."
"Oh?," hissed the dragon softly," What was the best takeout you ever had but can't remember where it was from?"
"Um... one time in college I was drunk and stumbled into an Indian place with the most mind-blowing Patoleo... somehow got home... never found it again. Why?"
"What would you give for the address..?"
The elf approached the grieving figure, clearing his throat, before speaking, "Your wife tasked me, after many empty but terrifyingly violent threats, to accurately present her final words to you - Hey Perch, in 20 years I have never stopped loving your tits. I hope the next person you wanna share them with enjoys them half as much."
The widow doubled over, laughing, almost choking on her own tears, "She always knew what to say."
"Truth, Dare or Pizza? How do you play that?"
"It's like truth or dare, but if you choose 'Pizza' you have to buy pizza for the group."
"...Okay. Not sure why anyone would ever pick that option."
"You want to go first?"
"I dare you to buy us all pizza."
"...Sure. But I'm getting it from Subway."
"Are you ACTUALLY getting Subway Pizza?!"
"...Are you actually going to come back?"
"Nope. Thanks for the escape tunnel!"
"What do you mean there's a design flaw?"
"Turns out, there's a 70% chance the improvised grenade launchers will launch only the pin."
"...right, back to the drawing board. What else can we do with the excess t-shirt cannons?"
"What about the ones we've already converted?"
"Maybe... create a fault-warning label, slap some racist stickers on them and ship them to the reddest states? Oh, that clears up our racist sticker problem too. Win-win!"
"All I'm saying, Georgie, is if the industry isn't going to give more Super-Heroines pants and closed shirts, then they should have more Super-Heroes WITHOUT pants and grand-canyon plunging necklines. Sidekicks don't count."
"Wouldn't that just end up making the Super-Heroes look stupid?"
"Hey either they ALL look sensible or they ALL look stupid, fair's fair. I don't make the rules."
"You are LITERALLY trying to make a rule, Wren."
"...Dunning-Kruger Heavyweight Champion and SO misguided you couldn't hit puberty by accident! If you were given cash to buy a clue you'd just come back with ANOTHER pyramid scheme, you thought-resistant cabbage-snot!"
"Got all the insults out, you think?"
"Whew, yeah, I think so, lets.. lets go in and meet my cousi--"
"HEY CUZ! GLAD YOU FINALLY GOT HERE! I WAS JUST EDUCATING EVERYONE ON HOW GUNS PREVENT GLOBAL WARMING!"
"Get my dinner!" he yelled.
"Just a moment, let me get my coat off,"she said, patiently.
"What's taking so long?! You didn't even leave me anything to eat!" he yelled, louder, getting angry.
"Good grief what's gotten into you tonight, why're you yelling," she asked, sighing.
"I killed something for you, I put it by the ficus!"
"You have so much energy,"she said, scooping premium catfood into his bowl,"...Why're there feathers in here?"
Hey guys! My name is Nico and I'm trans & Autistic, I recently got fired from my job at chick-fil-a, which I hated but needed to survive. They fired me for having a meltdown, which i warned them would happen if they put me on dining room, but they did anyway. I am now unable to pay my Rent and bills or afford food, if anyone could donate to my paypal that would be super helpful (please ignore my dead name on my paypal)
I also do art commissions
If you guys would please consider donating to us, it's for my boyfriend's mother.
She's struggling to get on her feet from being kicked out of her boyfriend's home after coming out of the hospital, she's mentally ill and 60 years old. She had to go into overdraft to turn on her electric and anything would really help. We can't afford to help her much anymore.
"It has entered common knowledge that an exorcism requires the efforts of a young priest & an old priest. But what MOST don't realize is required for the greatest percentage of success is for one who worships the newest and one who worships the most ancient of powers."
"So that's why we kidnapped this Scientologist?"
"Yeah, duh! I'm not messing the Old Powers. Now hopefully our Master can remain un-exorcised from the Chosen One"
...I am very frustrated at someone I know right now, so next I'm going to try and think of something much nicer to fictionalize.
Katy took a deep breath.
"Hey... don't look at me like that. You know I wasn't serious! I was just joking. I don't hit you, right? I'm nicer than mom. Let's see if we can get some money for ice cream from the people down by the bus-stop. Maybe if you can look extra sad I'll make enough for new shoes."
The five-year-old's face lit up at the word 'ice cream' and he scampered over to his big sister.
Maybe she'd be nice to him tomorrow too, and the next day, or forever, for certain this time...
Finally, ready to be a REAL mother, who'd provide love and financial support to her only real child.
She slammed the door behind her, startling her step-brother, 17 years her junior. He started bawling, a high-pitched, persistent screech.
"If you don't shut up, you ugly little turd, I will shove your crayons straight down your throat,"she grumbled, tired, also, of his constant crying, which he did at least once a day due to his ongoing stomach illness.
He recoiled fearfully, whimpering.
Her mother's car screeched out of the driveway as Katy stomped into the living room, livid. Hurt.
She was so done with her mother's acidic tongue, calling her names, calling her stupid, worthless, insulting her looks, claiming her barbs as jokes to tear her down further with accusations that she was humorless.
Her mother had been SO nice and generous yesterday, Katy'd been convinced that harpy had finally changed, for certain, this time.