Sometimes I get mad that I left Catholicism for a reason as boring as being an atheist. There are SO MANY worthwhile dealbreakers I was unaware of at the time.

I just realized that America is the world's Walmart and now I hate myself.

Pony Danza boosted

I want to swim Scrooge McDuck style through Scrabble tiles.

The fattest Jack Russell/Dachshund mix just pulled away from its owner to sniff my shoe. This is the happiest I've been in a week. 😍😍😍

I just got wine stains on my rainbow hoodie. Most fucking San Francisco Millennial problem ever.

I just realized that I've been pronouncing the word 'existential' as 'esixtential' for at least the past couple of months and now I'm questioning everything.

I'm half expecting someone to tell me that it's pronounced 'inory'.

Nothing reminds me of my eventual mortality quite like the increasing amount of time it takes to scroll to my birth year in a drop-down menu.

Do-si-do Girl Scout cookies
+ lingonberry jam
= happiness

It's nice to know that Whole Foods' new commercial recognizes their store is where you go to buy good intentions.

I desperately need the people in the apartment above us to stop playing edm.

A baby on a public bathroom changing table just dead ass stared me down through the gap in the stall door while I took a shit.

Foreigners are right. The stall door gap has got to go.

Crude description of menstruation 

The best part of the internet is I can say "Hard day. Need cats." And all of a sudden I have dozens of furry balls of joy to gaze upon.

I'm really feeling this Miley Cyrus song that my Lyft driver is playing and I don't know if I've ever been this angry about anything in my life.

I Harold and Kumared my umbrella today. Bad decision.

Nothing makes me feel old quite like watching The Addams Family and seeing Cousin It roll up playing 2 Legit 2 Quit.

I don't get why so many people have a problem with the word 'moist' when the actual gross problem term is 'mouth feel'.

I'm awake at 4 am on a Sunday morning so the House Rep for a district I used to call home can see me call him a fascist bootlicker on all his social media accounts on his way to church.

Fall asleep on the couch and can't get back to sleep? Time for Golden Girls.

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