Amd what's worse is they know that. Apologize for it but can't change it. So I'm just alone. Again.
And partner has zero energy for our relationship because they're an autistic non-binary bisexual asking as a straight woman at work all day. If I didn't ask for things from them, I wouldn't get anything.
Even if we broke up, i'd be in a shit situation of having to go back to Alabama to live with my parents again or live out of my van.
It's amazing how someone who helps carry everyone else's burdens feels like such a colossal one.
Now I'm struggling to stay awake and maintain the will to exist. Because I've got nothing left anymore. Nothing I do in any capacity gives me dopamine. I'm convinced even more that partner doesn't so much love me as much as I've become part of their autistic routine and losing me would be a months long setback and frustration. I'm so tired of struggling for no reward. No one taking care of me.
I just want to give up lately.
Instead of asking if I was okay, when I'm very clearly not. Practically mumbling, I get told to stay instead of "martyring" myself.
I know I have a bad habit of doing that thanks to religious trauma but it fucking hurt. And then I was second guessing whether I was overreacting. Friend showed up, I got told to stay, and off they went.
I started crying a few minutes later.
I'll put this here because it won't really be seen.
I have been having a horrible time mentally lately. Especially with regards to my relationship. I woke up feeling like shit today after not sleeping well, with plans to go to the ren faire with my partner and a friend. Partner knows I've been having a tough time but they're super excited about the ren faire. They ask if I'm up for going and I said I had to or they'd be upset.
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Author, anarchist, metalhead, dice-roller, and gamer. Be excellent to each other and party on.
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