“What is the wound cube?” cry my coworkers as I try to express why I hate this

I do not look like a very shiny version of Steve Jobs, regardless of what anyone says

“You look like a very shiny version of Steve Jobs.” says lavender@witches.live, in her latest in a long series of unintentional owns of me

Your office autistic person here to remind you not to pop balloons ever because now I want to die

Another Halloween without a kid to dress up and a dog who hates costumes

Literal shitposting, like, re:poops 

I’m almost done with food poisoning!! One week later! Everyone pls congratulate me on my poops

Also here’s a picture of an old dog watching a squirrel in a tree. He gathered a crowd but never broke eye contact, and he kept making silent barking faces

*looks down to see I’ve grown a second, identical penis* ah, my dick is in Gemini

Are we still not talking about the news in here? Because I need to be in a place with no news for awhile

‪I love having a brain that collapses into extreme fight or flight mode every time the temperature changes, forcing me to live in the most overpriced place on earth. This to me is good. Really enjoying bursting into tears every time the wind blows‬

Love having a permanent collarbone bruise because I’m too much of an asshole to admit I’m lifting too heavy

College sexual assault 

The Kavanaugh stuff isn’t making me relive being sexually assaulted by a frat guy so much as it’s making me cheer for one of these pieces of shit to get bitten by what he did. There’s so many of these fuckheads out there in positions of power. I know, because LinkedIn keeps suggesting I “connect” with mine

Today at a party there was a toddler who kept very gently touching my leg tattoos and repeating “bird” “flower” and “buh’fly” and I honestly do not deserve such an adorable thing

Gonna need funding for a neuroscience study on how the same amount of weed can sometimes get you just high enough to clean your house, and sometimes get you too high to do anything except eat cookie dough and read old restaurant reviews

Excellent news: I gave Grace a larger than usual mouse and she had a lump for longer than usual, so I was worried, but she just did THE BIGGEST POOP! Enjoy this photograph of the newly lumpless beast

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