lmao this dude got his garage robbed and in addition to some expensive tools and shit, the thieves stole some pizza pops, heated them in his garage microwave, and left a thank you note.

im a trending person for national pickle day on the bird website, which is by far one of the dumbest sentences i have ever typed.

blessed that work made our emergency warden hats orange instead of red aroooo

hockey season at work is torment i shouldn't have to work october to april

yelling to everyone about tamarind paste and ajwain seeds this a.m.

i'm only at work to secure the bag today and so far it contains one wagon wheel, a coffee crisp, and aero, and 2 caramel chocolate eyeballs

only two other people dressed up on a team of FIFTY c'mon guys

im dressed as a raccoon with recurrent pneumonia who is exasperated by everything and everyone at this moment

my mood is suddenly very 'richard horne while driving after someone called him kid'

the spookiest thing i've done this halloween season is be a work martyr and come to the office sick but ONLY so i can take my scheduled day off tomorrorw

me: haha we should go to vancouver and see ELO in june
bf: WHAT
THE
FUCK
*and then radio silence for an hour*

i like to call mastodon mastodian like custodian because i am dumb

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