friend seeing a cop after a party: ACAB
me: no that’s a police car, and we’re waiting for an uber

cool kids: ACAB
me: um i was thinking zinfandel, but whatever works

genitalia 

penises are such pussies

Who let farmers decide how time works. Now it gets dark around 4pm, thanks Middle America.

do you ever wake up and realize we should probably tie ourselves to the earth. i don’t want to fall into the sky it’s massive

my therapist said i have imposter syndrome, but i feel like i usually get crewmate

i forgot to make a joke about my bones this halloween and wario sold them for .034 bitcoins

i hate going to clubs full of pissy pissed people

is the cheesecake factory a prank you’re all pulling on me

sick of people saying white people dont have culture
we have pottery barn and colonialism

you’d think america would love the earth with how much we’re fucking it

your phone turned into the moon?
that’s rough buddy

a champ boosted

oh no you had an oopsie and we gotta bury you in the forever box

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