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I hope Paul Ryan donates his body to science. I’m just so curious as to how one survives when your entire spine has been replaced with bullshit.

Attention world: I'm raising funds for my new startup, Teakettle™. If you're having trouble with your device or code, you use the app to alert a Teakettle associate. They'll screenshare with you, so that everything will work perfectly as you fail to reproduce the problem.

I imagine some aides and pages were spooked today, as the eerie sounds of McConnell's contented warbling emanated from the air sacs in his wattle and filled the halls of the Capitol

I shouldn't be too surprised in nyc, but still, the amount of Pride on the subway is very uplifting

Happy Father's Day to all the dads. For me, I'm hoping Trump's kids are also separated from him and detained in prisons.

As I assembled lunch out of leftovers in the fridge, I sadly realized that the superhero I most resemble is probably Matter-Eater Lad.

I feel like: if anything good comes out of these talks, the peace prize should probably go to his translator.

“Please understand that a lot of what the right does, and it’s maybe their greatest genius, is they’ve created a code of conduct that they police, that they themselves don’t have to, in any way, abide,”

They should just replace Roseanne with Ashton Kutcher

Few emotional swings are greater than burrowing into freshly dried laundry then making contact with the metal button of your jeans

apparently said "…we will continue to…do everything we can to make sure our schools are safe." But what can he do you guys? He's only a lowly Vice President of the United States. Cut this moron and his hair-helmet some slack.

A Chipotle and Shake Shack on 125th? I gotta pinch myself.

Harry Anderson! We had one of his magic specials on VHS that I watched all the time, and I spent many a childhood night watching, enjoying and probably not getting half the jokes on Night Court. RIP :(

There better be a shit-ton of May flowers in NYC this year.