DeanKarrier @deankarrier@mastodon.social

Starting to worry as the dark place I’ve been feeling is longer than usual. It’s like the cycle of it is getting longer each time.

I wonder how many people have been diagnosed as dying from natural causes, but were choked to death by ice cubes that would’ve melted by the time the body was discovered.

Sorry I missed your texts earlier today. I was sitting on the couch with the phone in my hand watching the notifications

The only thing different between eating your girlfriends pie or her pussy, is the crust

What inspires you?

Marriage is like friends with benefits without the friends or the benefits

[on first date] *eating dinner*
Me: this is sooo good, but it’s missing something
Them: pepper?
Me: *remembering one day my heart will stop and I’ll die with a donut in my hand* Ahh that’s better

Best thing about school reunions is having someone come up and ask if you remember them as you were best friends and you say no

At my 6 year old nephew birthday party and he’s crying as he wanted an iPad Pro but I gave him two presents instead. An Etch A Sketch and a life lesson in disappointment. Happy bday you ungrateful shit

Once you hit your mid 40's, picking up anything from the floor is basically parkour.

Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

I gotta go

- me, arriving at parties

I like to relax at the end of a long week by sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of the shower.

Starting a band called "Duvet". We only play covers

Ever since my wife left me I've been drinking and partying pretty hard but I know I have to stop, as she's home from work in an hour

It annoys me that I have trouble falling asleep due to any sound in the house waking me, but wild animals are able to sleep on the side of high traffic roadways without any issue

Benjamin Button jokes never grow old

I called someone at work a pheasant instead of a peasant, but they didn’t notice I pronounced the letter h as silent

Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

Sorry I missed your call earlier today. I was sitting on the couch with the phone in my hand watching it ring