i just don't know how to be gentle with people anymore??? i don't even know how to manage myself and suddenly i'm the ward of a multitude of people who think i'm a good substitute for a therapist??? that was obviously an egregious example but i also feel like it's the same amount of stress trying to deal with ALL my other fucking friends and i just don't know how to be a friend anymore
handle ONE simple response back and complained about it to other people until finally one of my friends stepped in and told him that i was getting the messages and simply would never respond and finally then he backed the fuck off and it's like, i could've handled this 14y/o reply kid probably a lot more gently and
variously trying to be funny or get my attention or begging me to tell him why i wasn't talking to him anymore and it's like, i should've probably felt more sympathetic and bad about the radio silence because i was there once too as a clingy 14y/o, most 14y/o's are like that, but instead i just couldn't
deal with like 15? 20? 30 messages a day which i tolerated for maybe a few weeks and tried to rein in with like saying "dude i can't be your emotional support network" and shit like TWICE OR THRICE and STILL the messages just kept coming and trying to get my fucking attention and i just buckled under the emotional stress and stopped responding to him altogether in like late june and for MONTHS! afterwards, up until like a week ago i got like 5 or 10 messages a day from this kid
like just to outline how unreasonable and bad i feel for being so unavailable/wanting to be so unavailable there was this, like, 14y/o kid on twitter who came to me asking for advice for how to find friends online and also trying to figure out whether he was actually gay or not and i felt sympathetic because i know how isolated one can feel as a young gay kid on the internet so i was like "yeah totally come to me for advice and shit i'm your friend" and suddenly i started having to
and i feel like a fat lot of them also apparently think that i'm at least relatively mentally stable because apparently that's the impression that internet clout and making cool art and shit gives off but it's like, no dude, i fall into severe suicidal ideation at least one or two times a week and for the past two-ish years i've grappled with constant post-traumatic stress and anxiety and i can NOT be the person to act in the capacity that you apparently need in a good friend
it sounds like a really dickish thing to say but i really feel like a ton of people feel like they're entitled to my time and to my listening and i know almost none of my friends believe so quite to that extent much less consciously but it's the only thing that i can think of when i come back to 10 messages from the same person trying again and again and again and again to get my attention and i don't know why it has to be me??? am i really that essential to your well-being??? i hope not???
fuck dude am i a bad friend for increasingly finding friendships extremely fucking stressful to maintain because every morning or maybe if i even just go offline for like 5 hours i come back to 20 discord messages from people who variously expect deep conversation or a favor or any kind of support really and i feel like it's mostly contingent on the fact that i've been good at listening and supporting for most of the past but it's so. fucking. hard. to do that now. SO. FUCKING. HARD
what possible use could my mind have for trauma. why is this a mechanic that my mind is capable of. i already had one trauma-related nervous episode during 5th period today and now i'm about to launch into another one. NEITHER of which were triggered by anything actually even related to the trauma. this is like, the most counterproductive possible thing that my mind could do. what's the point. what's the point???
on the birdsite to raise my blood pressure, on here to lower it, rinse repeat
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