when everyone only knows me as a Professional Person i feel like i can't be open about my emotions and talk about how fucking tremendously hard everything is without everyone judging me and seeing me as weak and a liability to them
like two weeks into living in LA and i already wonder why the fuck i moved here and feel like everyone thinks i'm too much of a burden on them and i'm never going to see anybody. i'm just not doing well but don't want to cry because i'm afraid other people will hear me and then i'll have to have another conversation about why i'm not doing well which they're going to take personally as something they did wrong.
i don't think this person even understand that they've fucked me over or made me angry at all because of how oblivious they are, and that's the saddest bit of it
still incredibly angry and frustrated at someone whose work i've championed and most people seem to love who has fucked me over multiple times and acted like it was no big deal
i JUST got an idea on how to begin a Doom mapset. thinking of trying to release a few Doom maps at a time in installments next year and then eventually making that into a full-blown release further down the line. it all depends on how much free time i'll end up having (cuz i applied to a part-time job and pry will be looking for other work, too)
like honestly, you should feel at least a little bad if you're on the beneficial end of a culture that dumbs down all discourse and puts personality politics in its place
i have respect for people, but i have no respect for brands. if that makes you feel bad, sorry.
i really, truly hate cults of personality and fan culture. i want to not be in high school any more, but it seems to be impossible to escape that in my line of work.
do you ever have your own personal memes that you really like but will probably never catch on? here are a couple of mine:
- Władcy Ciemności https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIUWM-JQPqs
- absurdly long looping FF8 "Find Your Way" theme https://ellaguro.bandcamp.com/track/--119
i guess she thinks that not telling people she'll be living with crucial information about the situation they're getting into is just fine?
after awhile i was like "just do whatever you want, i don't really care" and she was all like "i refuse to feel bad about this!!"
it's so easy to go from feeling okay to feeling really depressed really quickly. i was doing okay yesterday. not sure what even changed today but i just feel super bummed out right now.
i wrote up a long list of videogame youtubers who aren't terrible. check it out: https://www.patreon.com/posts/15489326 && https://ellaguro.blogspot.com/2017/11/heres-list-of-some-videogame-youtubers.html
in case you wanna know one of the big reasons why i want to move the hell out of Portland, this is it (though it is by no means the only one).
it's almost even more disturbing when to me they're laughing and being flirty with each other because i don't know when a fight is about to suddenly erupt again. it's fucked up.
roommates, 1.5 years ago: "oh hey, we're dating now"
me: "oh gee, that could be a problem for me. what if you guys start arguing all time?"
roommates: "what are you talking about? that will never happen. we're nice people."
roommates, now: screaming at each other pretty much every day.
it definitely makes me feel like people don't like me or want to be around me. and maybe that's the case! i really can't tell anymore.
i swear almost every time i've hung out with someone in portland it's because i've contacted them. rarely does anyone ever contact me. i have to be so fucking aggressive about everything to get an answer from anyone. it's like applying for a job.
pretty much want to destroy everything and everyone today. tired of all the ignorance and pettiness that gets aired everywhere, tired of how shit my life and friendships have gone in Portland, and tired of all these magic opportunities i thought i have falling apart
i've also just gone through a lot of feelings lately because of many projects/plans that have fallen through and made me question everything about what i'm doing. it's been a pretty crushing year for me in a lot of ways, and instead of finding support i've gotten a "well maybe you shouldn't have even tried" response from several people. i've come out of all of this wanting to be even more independent and self-sufficient. so that is my goal going forward, and i will accept no less.
