like honestly, you should feel at least a little bad if you're on the beneficial end of a culture that dumbs down all discourse and puts personality politics in its place

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i have respect for people, but i have no respect for brands. if that makes you feel bad, sorry.

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i really, truly hate cults of personality and fan culture. i want to not be in high school any more, but it seems to be impossible to escape that in my line of work.

do you ever have your own personal memes that you really like but will probably never catch on? here are a couple of mine:
- Władcy Ciemności youtube.com/watch?v=mIUWM-JQPq
- absurdly long looping FF8 "Find Your Way" theme ellaguro.bandcamp.com/track/--

i guess she thinks that not telling people she'll be living with crucial information about the situation they're getting into is just fine?

after awhile i was like "just do whatever you want, i don't really care" and she was all like "i refuse to feel bad about this!!"

it's so easy to go from feeling okay to feeling really depressed really quickly. i was doing okay yesterday. not sure what even changed today but i just feel super bummed out right now.

in case you wanna know one of the big reasons why i want to move the hell out of Portland, this is it (though it is by no means the only one).

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it's almost even more disturbing when to me they're laughing and being flirty with each other because i don't know when a fight is about to suddenly erupt again. it's fucked up.

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roommates, 1.5 years ago: "oh hey, we're dating now"
me: "oh gee, that could be a problem for me. what if you guys start arguing all time?"
roommates: "what are you talking about? that will never happen. we're nice people."

roommates, now: screaming at each other pretty much every day.

it definitely makes me feel like people don't like me or want to be around me. and maybe that's the case! i really can't tell anymore.

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i swear almost every time i've hung out with someone in portland it's because i've contacted them. rarely does anyone ever contact me. i have to be so fucking aggressive about everything to get an answer from anyone. it's like applying for a job.

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pretty much want to destroy everything and everyone today. tired of all the ignorance and pettiness that gets aired everywhere, tired of how shit my life and friendships have gone in Portland, and tired of all these magic opportunities i thought i have falling apart

i've also just gone through a lot of feelings lately because of many projects/plans that have fallen through and made me question everything about what i'm doing. it's been a pretty crushing year for me in a lot of ways, and instead of finding support i've gotten a "well maybe you shouldn't have even tried" response from several people. i've come out of all of this wanting to be even more independent and self-sufficient. so that is my goal going forward, and i will accept no less.

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to be honest it only increases my resolve to prove to them how wrong they are. if i have to spend a lot of time and effort making those kinds of fucking people thoroughly eat their words then i will. i don't have time for small or petty people.

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i feel like i have a lot of people talk down to me because i won't get a professional gig, and then i've had at least one friend here in PDX outside the professional realm who i thought i trusted basically just tell me what they think i do is stupid and that i should consider getting a "real" job.

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and i'm okay with those sacrifices most of the time. yeah, i'd like to make more money and my situation to be less precarious sometimes. but also i don't want to have to subject my body and soul to things that will totally drain me. i feel like this is pretty reasonable. but i feel feel a lot of judgment from people about basically everything, especially lately.

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been feeling really angry about people judging me and the way i choose to live my life today. not even sure why. i guess one little thing just set me off. being queer + trans and being an artist i feel pretty much constantly judged by people, even in realms where i'm more respected. i don't think people realize how many sacrifices i've made to live how i do.

awhile back i said i wanted to do a youtube series about games called "The Videogame Blood Zone". i'm still planning on doing that and have a massive list of potential things to covers. the focus will probably be more oddities/obscure stuff (w/a heavier emphasis on PC games) and stuff that is personally significant to me and the tone will probably be less critical and academic and more freeform (though scripted & edited). anyway look for more rumblings of that starting next year.

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