I had a picnic last Easter. It was a movable feast.

I had a picnic the other day. It was a notable experience.

Currently listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Not as good as I thought it would be. 1/5 stars

I used to gamble a lot but I’m better now.

Waiter: How did you find your steak, sir? Me: It was under a small piece of potato, but nice try!

A carpark? Why? What was so special about carp that they got their own boat?

I found out where all the swifts go in the winter. Never Never Land.

[Hearing piano sounds]

“Were you playing ‘Chopsticks’?”

“No, I was just noodling.”

Boris, sitting at home, scanning the Covid headlines, laughing and singing The Tracks of My Tiers.


So, Matt Hancock’s Covid strategies are so short-sighted that he lost his contacts. Is that about right?

My friends Hugh and Jim have drawn up an agreement. I'm sure it will have a huge impact.

The law of physics which describes the inversely proportional relationship between the absolute pressure and volume of a gas was discovered by Boyle and published in the Lancet. Which is what gave him the idea in the first place.

I was thinking of taking up skiing. But I'm worried I might like it too much. And you know how that goes…

At the airport they made me check in everything except for a small bag and a shellfish. OK, I thought. Keep clam and carry-on.

I had to give away my entire home network, but finally I'm a LAN donor.

Ten free, royalty-free, CC0 photos taken at today's Nurses' Protest at Trafalgar Square in London


It wasn’t until my friend told me he’d bought two new tea towels that I realised he’s got the weirdest ever bird fetish.

Model: How do I look?
Ophthalmologist: Um... It's complicated.
Neurologist: It's really, really complicated.
Psychologist: How long have you got?

I was so hungry I ate a horse. It was a fork horse meal.

Still can’t understand why Clint Eastwood wasn’t cast as the Hoarse Whisperer.

Egads! This 2 km social distancing is killing me!

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