I am getting slow when my is getting store for mproess.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Cigarettes? Marijuana?
Patient: Mostly brisket and port.

Me: I hate the government.
Friend: Which one?
Me: All of them at once them I suppose.

What is required to remove day live sought? This has been a stupid dumb idea for sentries and still is.

Just think...
Somewhere out there someone is thinking of you. Trying to figure out your death look as a accident.

Don't forget to get water and sunlight. You're basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.

Some of y'all are too busy being Republication or Democrat to notice you stopped being decent a long time ago.

As it rude to look at look at someone and start singing "if you only had a brain" at them.

Mother holding newborn the first time: You have my eyes.
Father: And you have my smile.
Argorn: And have my sworn.
Legolas: And you have mine bow.
Gimi: And you have my axe.
Nurse: Can we get security quickly, they are here back.

I haven't made a new youtube tube in months. My audit goes from mostly reasonable and easily to WTH are I trying to talk. If I post one it is likely funny. My cancer tasting makes for really odd walks.

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people would find this funny.

I didn't realize I was supposed to know to do everything by my second rodeo.

Seems like a very low amount of rodeos.

Trump thinks the government to save by save money but works but not being paid.
As he expects no one to work for nothing.

I bought a homeopathic cure for my gullibility.

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
The profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.

I hate when people say "Act like an adult." Have you seen adults lately? That is bad advice.

Wife: I have a bag full of clothing to donate.
Me: Why just not throw it out?
Wife: There are poor starving who could use them.
Me: Honey, anyone who can wear them isn't starving.

I am recovering from a head injury now.

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