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Honestly most of these folks don't deserve the trust, clout, fans, and widespread gratitude they're getting in and out of the industry. Individual abusers going down won't fix SHIT. Their support networks have to come down too. Those networks include "the good ones".

There are a handful of games dudes who have been tweeting a lot of really "nice" supportive stuff since yesterday but when I was in and around games 2013-2015 I keenly remember how they were absolutely part of the problem shielding egregious behaviour and yeah. I see you.

+ pull out my old journals and say, “this shit HAPPENED, and this is how it all went down.” I’ll at least be able to trust myself. It’s a tiny way of taking back control in a situation where there is actually literally nothing else I can do about it.

Back to last week — I am very fearful that in the future, what happened last week will be downplayed A LOT or denied outright, and honestly, I’m writing all this shit down to protect myself. Because if in six months, two years, ten years, I ever need to +

In any case, I’m a little bit afraid of my memories, sometimes. I was easily gaslit or denied as a child. Whenever I’m dealing with something really hard or unusual, I often turn to writing down events (often in list form) to help me remember what happened.

Since high school, I stopped journalling diligently, even through some really difficult periods. But this summer, I’ve really gotten back to it. I don’t think it’s a coincidence it’s because I’ve been really unwell physically. And then this last week…

So I just started writing it all down. I was relatively lucky in that I am pretty sure no one ever tried to read my personal journals, as far as I’m aware. In a lot of conservative families, writing stuff down as a young, messed up queer kid is waaay too risky.

If anybody here read CS Lewis’ The Silver Chair, they probably remember the scene at the beginning with Aslan telling Jill to repeat several important bits of information to herself every morning and night, so she wouldn’t forget. I used to try to do that, with every day events.

I do keenly remember being in secondary 1 or 2 and panicking when I realised I couldn’t remember stuff about my childhood (or even the last week) other kids or even my siblings and parents could remember. I would try so hard to remember stuff, but it seemed really gone forever.

One of the reasons I kept writing as a child (despite being told repeatedly that I was shit at it, couldn’t spell, didn’t understand English or French grammar) was because I ha/ve/d a bad memory and people around me were always changing the story of what was going on.

I haven’t actually been able to afford therapy this summer, though I’m going back tomorrow, and the one thing I *have* been doing every evening is journalling. Really intensely. Just writing down facts, memories, feelings, stuff people told me. Etc. Especially this last week.

So, last week was a deeply retraumatizing shit show with some extended family. I had… well I had a really bad time. I am not going to go into details about what was triggering here, but I want to talk about something tangentially related.

Remember that "I don't wash my legs in the shower" lady? Here's a good article on the whole thing: “What this bad-hygiene-posturing-as-class-analysis usually ignores is the humanizing potential of hygiene practices themselves.”  by @NicoleFroio@twitter.com medium.com/p/the-hygiene-cultu

I need to bring my computer into the Apple store for 4-5 days minimum maintenance because of a problem but also I’m a freelancer and taking a surprise vacation right as the fall takes off (when I start making money again) is way too stressful!!! Arg!!!

Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool

Doing research on how to have a consent-based relationship with dogs and cats. Starting with the Cog Dog Radio podcast: thecognitivecanine.com/the-pod

Having a bad day so sitting down with @PhilosophyTube@twitter.com and listening to folks read the entire works of Shakespeare. twitch.tv/philosophytube

Living with chronic illnesses is basically crying because you haven't seen your friends in months or years and you keep having to cancel because you are literally not strong or well enough to withstand an evening outside the house. Fuuuuck my life right now honestly. I'm so done.

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