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h ey, hold on a sec *repositions my body causing all the bones in my body to realign with a sickening snapping sound* So you were saying?

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my biological imperative must be really messed up 'cause not only am I gay, I also only wanna bone robots

Go Fund Me: buying enough Hello Kitty merch to redecorate my brothers room before he comes home for the holidays

Me, realizing that someone is 14: why u so yo u n g

Sometimes you just meet someone and think, 'huh, you sure do kin Rick Sanchez, dontcha?'

Me, looking at a nonromacable companion: Why would the gods think you were unlovable?

Partner? no. Spouse? no. Lover? no. The only romantic title I want is cowboy.

I like to shit-post as much as the rest of y'all, but there are some shit-posts that are so incomprehensible that their humor has astral projected to an entirely new level of joke that my human brain has not yet begun to comprehend

People assume I dont like math because I'm bad at it, but I am in fact pretty damn good at math I just hate numbers

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*manifests*
oh shit wrong realm
*disintegrates*

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*VERY LOUDLY WHISPERS ABOUT DYSON SPHERES BECAUSE AAAAA*

You never really know how much gum you chew until you clean your room and discover 5 thousand opened wrappers

My neighbor Barb just brought over Christmas cookies because my family helped shovel her driveway, so the suburbs are like the movies if you ignore the blatant racism and crippling isolation

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This is the puppy I am getting! Her name is Cleopatra (cleo for short) because she is a lil queen

thoughts on getting a fake heart beat toy for a new puppy? I've heard it helps with night time anxiety

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