The lightning port on my iPhone collects lint faster than the fastest belly button collects lint.

Turns out that when you hire people to pack up all your stuff, they do in fact pack up all your stuff. My mum and dad are at my Sheffield house sans radio, cutlery or cushions. Luckily I think they hid the kettle and teabags in their car before the packers started work.

Me: "Ooh, a lovely crisp winter's day at last! I can wear one of my smart non-waterproof coats!"
Weather: 🌧️🌧️ LOL 🌧️ FOOLED YOU ⛈️🌧️

Just realised that the person who's in the thing looks so much like the person who's in the other thing because it is in fact the same person!

I'm trying to both support the café and support the whole "open after 4pm" thing (radical idea, but it might catch on) by buying a cuppa at least once a week, but should I instead be buying armfuls of sandwiches? Hmmm.

A nice café I visit a lot in the afternoons is always fully stocked with sandwiches etc. Like, there are actual options, even after 4pm. Are the managers in the top 0.00001% of ability when it comes to restocking food, or is the café underselling every day and about to go bust?!

Rule of thumb: the more captchas you have to solve, and the more often you get asked to verify "suspicious logins," the better your #infosec is working. Surveillance systems get real pissy when they're not able to surveil you like they expect

"Half price for the first 4 weeks... but we require a security deposit at the outset, which is the equivalent of half of 28 days' rent."
*counts on fingers*
*get out abacus*

I've been shopping around for storage quotes and they're ALL like "Just £50 a month! Plus insurance! And a security deposit! And you have to buy your own padlock and you have to buy it from us and we won't tell you how much! Here is your full quote! Just £80 plus weird confusing added extras! Do you still want to buy? It's only £100! Come on, this £120 deal won't last forever!"

Contrast this with all the hundreds of things in our lives that we actually use, yet nobody bothers to tell us when they stop working.

I thought it was annoying that my Android phone is constantly trying to prompt me to use voice-activated search. Last night I realised what's REALLY annoying is when voice-activated search stops working at 5am and the phone repeatedly beeps to tell you.

"Hey, I know you've never used this function, but what if tonight's the night you suddenly decided to Google something by talking in your sleep?"

The moment where people are waiting to have their photo taken and getting confused/annoyed at how long it's taking the photographer to be ready must paradoxically be the most photographed thing in human social history.

People who agree to take a photo, scowl at/fiddle with the phone camera for a minute and then say "OK, I think I've taken four or five." NO! You're supposed to tell people when you're taking it so they can pose! This is why the phrase "Say cheese!" was invented!

My sparkly going-out handbag is so small I just swapped a pack of tissues for a single tissue but I still can't get my mobile phone in. Why are women?

Hello hoomans,
I am Freya Kitteh, the new cat in town. I love belly rubs and head scritches. And I love sleeping next to my humans heads and purring loudly in their ears. Purring so loudly that I wake them up. I also like to flomp down at the top of the stairs, nearly tripping my humans up, and demand belly rubs. My interests are:

#BellyRubs
#Food
#BellyRubs
#Dreamies
#BellyRubs
#ChasingFlies
And did I mention #BellyRubs?

#introduction
#Purr
#mastocats

When you ask for some gesture or accommodation, like content warnings or safe spaces for bullied kids, and the choir whines "that's not how the *real* world works!"

no shit, that's why we're here making a better world.

I cannot comprehend just giving up by default.

It's mystery plant time again! Gardeners of Mastodon, what is this lovely plant I saw today?

This is the image. Apologies if you're the creator and missing out on royalties. I'll buy you a biscuit some time. And take you for a walk.

I've just realised you can set profile pictures for WhatsApp groups. Didn't realise when I nicked a picture of a dog wearing a coat for a joke on birdsite that I would end up using the same pic for my family's "we buy too many coats" WhatsApp group.

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