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*googles "fetishes"*: well would ya take a look at that! terrific

healyn boosted

@healyn my "I didn't kill JFK" shirt sure is attracting a lot of questions that are already answered by the shirt.

healyn boosted

presidential fitness test? lemme test if i can fitness whole president in my mouth

i am not old enough to have taken part in the JFK assassination, and i wish people would stop implying it's even a possibility

healyn boosted

some motherfuckers just fly around in space like a brick shithouse, and everyone is ok with this?

healyn boosted

@louisajr @healyn i can't believe she's just flying around in space like a brick shithouse!

healyn boosted

@​healyn@​mastodon.social she's just flying around in space like a brick shithouse

healyn boosted

horsefucker thicc keeps mailing me bombs but they're all shit like a grenade stuffed into a fleshlight with a wiimote taped to it, a fake rolex watch wrapped around a bundle of dynamite, etc instead of real bombs

healyn boosted

if i make a sexual tinged response to someone its both funny and will contain the implication that i deserve to be dragged off and have violence committed upon my person, thats the secret

i am not a "god fearing" person. you know what i fear? outerspace, and jellyfish, and maybe dying alone

healyn boosted

shoutout to McDonalds for doing that shit where they advertise something as the Travis Scott or the BTS meal, and it's just a fuckin
limp burger or chicken nuggets with a Sprite.

it's like a funnier commentary on celebrity branding than a thousand Banksies at a thousand typewriters could come up with.

healyn boosted

@healyn it was the forbidden dance, and I did it so many times when the cops weren’t looking

healyn boosted
healyn boosted

as someone who hails from an island that faces constant defamation from the haters (Long Island), i identify with any English weirdos on here who just want to go about their lives loving beans and imperialism

healyn boosted

shipping 80s porn VHS tapes to England and saluting as the boat leaves the harbor

healyn boosted

every good country music song is about a woman murdering her husband

healyn boosted
healyn boosted

M. Night Shyamalan's "Hair Growing Attack" -- what if everyone's hair growed and growed, because it is doing an attack!

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healyn boosted

Why are people talking about 30 year olds as though that is an Old Life Stage? Y'all know your 30s is still young

has anyone ever been more of a himbo than Ryan Lochte? he's the prototype, right?

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