stac i/y/ie/ey/ee @ihatecrayons@mastodon.social

i don't know how anything i have planned for my life is going to happen, my annual income is $6300. Because of government assistance. i want all these things to happen but they can't because of my fucking bipolar disability which is the only reason I get even that much. i feel like this is never going to happen and i want to die. forever alone in Illinois.

i don't see me having a future. i can't picture it. even with people who love me. i don't think they know the whole me and just what shit they're getting into, friend or otherwise.

i just don't want to continue to exist

ugh i continue to try to go on but i am so depressed and anxious to go out anywhere including important appointments. I just keep cancelling everything #depression

I beat the odds. in 2017 I started walking way sooner than anyone thought possible, and I finally am ending 2017 with no pain meds. I hope 2018 proves to be good for me. I hope to improve myself physically. Mentally too, but physically I need to out some work in, with my new feet and ankles.

i just hate myself and everything about me and i want to not exist. i don't feel like i have anything to value to society and every attempt I've made for the past 10+ years has gotten me fucking nowhere. just nowhere.

even though i want to be alone

feeling hopeless and alone and i force myself to be that way

Them: So if an [n*gg*r] or a [f*gg*t]called you fat, you wouldn't called them a [n*gg*r] or a [f*gg*t]?
Me: What the fuck no and what does them being black or gay have to do with it?
Them: I would! They insulted me I'll insult them right back!
Me: But I am fat! I call myself that!
Them: And they call themselves that, and I'm not allowed to? That's just not right.

Can I just die now.

last year, days before xmas, we had to have xmas without my uncle Pete, who died suddenly because of liver failure due to alcoholism and refused to go to the doctor in time. And then in April 2017, my grandma, a Holocaust survivor in the Auschwitz work camp as a child, a cancer survivor, died of a broken heart from her son. And so this year, grandma's fave holiday, i'm just so not into it, none of my family is, it's killing me. https://mastodon.social/media/Nwb9PAHIFwbeaLJgkVg