Follow

Today I feel like spreading rumours. So once again, if you boost this toot I will tell the world some (almost certainly false) scandalous rumour about you.

Since I am one to spread rumours, did you know that @cursed_DBS likes to sneak into dog shows and steal the winners ribbons? At last count she had successfully stolen 26 first place ribbons for a variety of categories, including 'most hilarious corgi' and 'floppiest basset hound'.

She has a big room in her house where all of the ribbons are prominently displayed next to pictures of the poor puppies who she stole them from.

So, you may not know this but @Elizafox is actually a prude. Seriously, you have never met a more innocent person. She would never say anything even remotely lewd.

While they are a real person, about 90% of what is attributed to @xiroux is actually the output of an experimental markov bot that got a training data set from a group of 10,000 monkeys who were attempting to write direct to DVD sequels to all of shakespeare's plays.

TIL that @href listens exclusively to music that was created by the evil followers of a dooms day cult started in 1221. These cultists managed to invent synth pop centuries before electricity was invented. No one understands how this worked.

Don't believe anything that @animeirl says. Despite claiming to be a shrimp friend I have heard from the shrimp themselves that the plan is to raise a shrimp army to overrun the civilisation on dry land and absolutely no thought has been given to how the shrimp are going to take over the land while carrying their tiny novelty umbrellas.

Shrimp friend indeed!

The tag that @rachel uses is just a front. I have heard that she uses no less than 452 bots every day!

Mainly she uses them to choreograph very complex bollywood-type dances complete with convoluted plots and singing.

It is really quite impressive.

Despite knowing that the coyote still revolves on the profile, @andybalaam has never actually seen the coyote in question, nor has he ever known the glorious sights that is the cones in the background.

I just want to point out to everyone here that @ffeth is responsible for more than half of the coffee consumption in France.

This is because secretly at night @ffeth goes around to different parts of the country and gives coffee to all the cats. That is why they are so crazy around here.

You might thing that @balrogboogie has a glorious beard. And you would be correct. What you probably don't know is that he maintains said glorious beard by hiring two dozen tamarins armed with tiny switch blade combs to groom his beard every morning.

It takes two dozen because his beard is actually about 10 feet long. Did I not mention that he is a giant?

It has often been said that absolutely nothing is known about @grainloom , this isn't true. We do know one thing.

In the years 1734 at exactly 5:30am on June 17 (Gregorian calendar) @grainloom was seen leading a procession of gnomes through a complex maze hidden in the heart of Paris. According to the official records each gnome was playing a different musical instrument, and they were all terrible. Witnesses described it as the worst music ever created.

While the first recorded sighting of @alda@witches.town was over 500 years ago, one one has ever been able to reproduce the results in a controlled laboratory environment.

Scientists are very confused by this, reportedly saying 'what are you talking about? @alda@witches.town is right there and we are in a lab.' and 'how did you get in my house?'

In terms of cyborgs sent back from the future to prevent the future rise of a ruling class of blind mole rats, @cyrinsong is pretty typical.

What makes @cyrinsong stand out is an obsession with recreating a perfect 1:72 scale working model of the orchestra that first performed the 1812 overture.

The hummingbird used as the avatar of @dartigen isn't a bird. It is actually a new type of amphibian discovered by a young woman by the name of Bob, who was born in a tiny suburb of Sidney. The suburb has since shrunk even further and now you can't find it without a powerful magnifying glass. This is unfortunate because a careless tourist accidentally set the suburb on fire and it was entire consumed in flames about 10 years ago.

The unique stream of consciousness style that has made the music created by @iladpo so popular among todays youth is actually a very carefully controlled experiment run by THE GOVERNMENT. Unfortunately the purpose of the experiment is so classified the only person who know what it was about, or even which government was involved, had to be killed because they knew too much.

The human that @ekaitz_zarraga is riding on in his profile picture isn't actually someone that he knows. It was just a convenient person on the street when @ekaitz_zarraga decided to pretend to fly.

While @gordon may claim to only have 17 cats, I have heard rumours that the actual number is closer to 392. The cats have developed a rather sophisticated society and kitty anthropologists come from all over the world to study it.

I heard the other day that while @Vrashnak@witches.town claims to be from witches.town, in reality @Vrashnak@witches.town lives in a suburb of witches.town and just claims to be from there for the perceived prestige. This is a common thing to do with the increase in urbanisation of witches seen in the past century.

I have heard from a very reliable source that @aRubes once poked a lagomorph in the eye.

There were no survivors.

Of all of the members of witches.town, @Plumy@witches.town in undeniably the most famous among the mole people.

Our scientists are still trying to discover why, as to our knowledge the mole people have had absolutely no contact with the world above for at least 200 years and we are just a legend to them.

When asked why they don't just contact the mole people the scientists told us to shut up and mind our own business.

Remember the joke about the three kids in a trench coat pretending to be an adult? That is literally what @ben0_o is. Don't believe any of these stories about having kids or any of that.

Literally 3 kids in a trench coat. You can even see the middle kids face poking out.

I mean seriously guys, we can see you, you are just embarrassing yourselves now.

Isn't it hot with all three of you in that coat all the time?

While the popular story is that the spectre is haunting europe, our scientists have recently discovered that actually @Concerned_Commy is only haunting most of europe. For unknown reasons Monaco is exempt from the haunting.

When our scientists approached @Concerned_Commy to ask why the only response was 'workers of the world unite' said is a spooky whisper, followed by 'I don't know, I just don't ok?? back off' in a normal voice.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but @kyzh once ate at least 37 bananas in one sitting.

That isn't bad news. I just felt the need to explain that I hate to be the bearer of bad news. It really bothers me. Like really, I can't even tell someone that it is raining when they want to go outside. It is a real problem and I need to work on it.

Once upon a time @wryk@witches.town went to the store to buy cookies and milk and then forgot the milk.

This was so embarrassing that @wryk@witches.town has never gone to a store again, and if you accidentally mention milk it is quite likely that @wryk@witches.town will come up with some flimsy excuse to leave and may never talk to you again.

In case anyone was wondering, @Luern@witches.town doesn't actually have a gif of sailor moon as the header image. That is just an illusion caused by the name.

Our scientists have determined that if you ever seen the name @Luern@witches.town and don't see the gif of sailor moon than you should probably go get that looked at because we are pretty certain it isn't just us. Seriously we are completely normal. I mean, why else would you listen to us if we weren't normal.

LOOK!! A kitty!

I know that it isn't really my place to say it but... @skquinn joined octodon.social entirely for revenge. You see once long ago an octodon kicked a puppy and now @skquinn is on a lifelong quest to find that octodon and get revenge.

Today is the day that you are all going to learn this:

@PlanetaryKnight@witches.town once managed to juggle 13 live pythons on national television as part of a circus act.

Unfortunately for the rest of the world this was the national television was for the nation of the mole people and they haven't actually figured out how broadcasts or television works yet. Historians universally agree that this is one of the great tragedies of our time.

While @WelshPixie claims to be 'living' in south Africa our agents have discovered that she is actually a very advanced robot. These claims of 'living' are simple there to throw us off in our search for the truth.

WHEN WILL THE LIES END??

At exactly 11:32 this morning @hecate was seen dancing on top of the Eiffel tower.

This is some disagreement, but most scholars agree that it was some variation of the foxtrot. Others claim that it was a new-age reinterpretation of the macarena. Either way no one is quite certain where the pompoms fit in.

Sometimes you just have to let the truth out and hope for the best. So for the sake of us all I need to tell you this about @HamishTPB :

CHICKENS!!!!!!

One time while @HenryKrinkle was reading a news paper a pixie flew up to him and asked for the meaning of life.

@HenryKrinkle responded by saying 'why of course its' and then promptly exploded.

No one knows the point of this story.

Long ago, in a land far away, @zatnosk existed once. To ensure that we never make the same mistake again every year we have competitions to see who can create the most lifelike @zatnosk so that everyone can witness what almost was.

We live in fear of the day someone is too successful.

I hate to tell you all this, but @imthebatmax may not actually exist. Our scientists tried all sorts of science things, like holding clip boards and going 'hmm' while looking at beakers full of colourful liquid and even poking @imthebatmax with a stick a few times.

Our results have so far been inconclusive.

I was going to make cookies for @TrollDecker@social.diskseven.com once, but then she asked for raisons.

Even now I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from the nightmares.

I heard from the police yesterday that all the heatwave in Paris was caused by @Siphonay making dinner and forgetting to turn off the oven.

The worst part is that dinner got burned and we all went hungry anyway.

There was a time, not that long ago, when @nevernot was known for finding every single dog in a city to take selfies with.

Fortunately this stopped because, as everyone knows, dogs hate selfies. Not having thumbs makes them unreasonably angry about the art form.

In what may become the most famous event of the year, @JonYoder managed to perform the complete works of Shakespeare as a one-man show using only his eyebrows and the word 'Potato' repeated over and over again at different pitches.

There was a time when the mere thought of scandal was enough to get the interest of @luluberlu@witches.town more recently though nothing has been interesting unless it involves at least 3 mentions of the world 'asparagus' in contexts that have nothing to do with the vegetable.

For at least 6 months a herd of kittens followed @Barbu everywhere. No one is sure why but we suspect it had something to do with all the herrings that @Barbu insisted on carrying around.

I am done with spreading rumours for now but I think people who aren't following me are still seeing this and boosting it.

I may come back to this later.

@inmysocks @aRubes

Fooled you ! it is in fact *I*, the greatest of freelance police officers who poked that hyperkinetic rabbity thing.
that other guy is just a dummy i use to attract warmongers such as yourself and contain the disinformation

btw, did you know that @inmysocksstarted is the origin of the legend about the Vegetable Lamb of Tartary, the death toll of which remains unconfirmed to this day ?

wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegetable_Lamb_of_Tartary

#rumourcontrol

@inmysocks That's actually somewhat plausible and hilarious to boot. 8/10

Sign in to participate in the conversation
Mastodon

Follow friends and discover new ones. Publish anything you want: links, pictures, text, video. This server is run by the main developers of the Mastodon project. Everyone is welcome as long as you follow our code of conduct!