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on stage, dressed like a comfy tech ceo, powerpoint clicker in hand: “everyone fucks up and becomes something that they don’t want to be.” (smiles and squints, my hands are held together. i occasionally steer my head to different sections of the crowd as i run my time out.) “thank you all so much.”

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gamer: bro if you keep spamming “create similar face” it’s gonna give you a real fucked up looking character

also gamer: i think we should confine the gene pool according to borders

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david lynch at his transcendental meditation conference: ladies and gentleman, please welcome to the stage, sheriff joe arpaio

(massive applause)

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a detective in the 1930s saying, “i just cracked this case wide open bro” as he passes a soon to be mourning widow a beer

scorsese said he was gonna make a movie about me. leo’s on board. but i was not consulted even once. so please don’t watch it. it’s all lies

you know, i could probably build sexier feet. was evolution even trying?

@j997922 posting “guess what guys...” with a screenshot that shows 5 posting options and the last one reads “region locked”

traveling to the uk so that i can meet my mutuals up there easily because of trains, alienating them with my accidental rude behavior, and then never logging on again and becoming a stereotypical bandana-stick guy

good time to be a poster right now. stocks are going way up

taking over .social in a coup and ruling it scar style with strange porn phishing bots and mods who post hot takes more than they do actual work

thinking bout life in the old country, with the ostriches and the norwegian cats, hunting each other. not that I’ve ever been there

i’m the first candidate to fully burn my bridges with the society crowd. the joker vote is all that matters i don’t care if they just write it in at this point -andrew yang

the only way brutalism works is if we suddenly get teleportation magic so that we don’t have to navigate it

@j997922 it would be very funny to me if this was how i died

you don’t need a waterpick thing just use the damn sink gun

i bet human antlers would just feel like hard dicks on your head

cig ment 

firefighter who was sick on 9/11 trying to see if he’s allowed to get in on a little bit of the firefighter glory

@j997922 looks like you’re all gonna be mormons.. my bad

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