A guy just flounced out of my apartment bc I said that Jordan Peterson is a loser AMA

things i fucking love to do:

- saying "dude"
- calling things "dope"
- calling things "hardcore"
- calling people "pieces of shit"
- swearing 15X more than is necessary
- speaking in sentences that trail off instead of having a defined ending

popeye didn't even really have a job. he was just some dude who would show up at olive oyl's house wasted and reeking of spinach when he needed a place to sleep. fuck popeye

Someone had a post that started “Rigid chronological timeline concepts on how people are supposed to travel through life are garbage,” and instead of thinking “maybe go to college late in life,” I thought “FuCk YEaH, time travel!!”

[ME]: *holding up his hidden stash of "Big Tiddy Pokemon" cards* "Son, we need to talk..."

[SON]: "Dad, I can explain--"

[ME]: "I don't wanna hear it...*throwing my limited edition Tiddiezard on the table*...I came to battle."

@helldude
I'll always have a soft spot for when Karen Kilgariff says "Oh you men" and then takes a drink during the puppet feud sketch.

With this subscription, I will finally achieve my lifelong dream of having Vienna Sausages shipped to me weekly by Office Depot

Millennial: *slaps coffin lid*

you can fit so many bullshit Boomer obsessions in this thing

MY TEEN said somethign about "moisturewave" and i got to thinking about genres based on pokemon types, and well we already have darkwave, got to thinking about plantwave, was enticed by the possibilities of bugwave, then she says "normalwave" and i say "it is when you take a song and play it back regular with no filters" and we bust up chuckling and anyway that's why i love public transit, we do our best thinking on the train

sobbing and saying im sorry over and over as i drown my twitter account in the bathtub

South Charleston, West Virginia’s city planner apparently has a p good sense of humor

I was up half of last night dreading a kid soccer trip today but he had a blast and I got in an awesome run on the Mon River rail trail. Lesson learned for like the millionth time

mastodon is great because it’s like my mom (sincere leftists) and my dad (dirtbag leftists) divorced and now i’m getting twice as many presents

Mastado's: report terfs and Nazi's, fav and boost your friends to show support for their content, if people post lewds tell them they look good (they are braver than the troops), make toot jokes to ingratiate yourself in the community, and dont be too mean to federated (light hearted ribbing is okay) there is a bunch of cool normies there who post about their passions and we should accept all forms of sincerity here.

mastadon'ts: dunking, dog piling, and telling me to stop tooting

Mastodon is gonna be absolutely buck wild when John McCain finally dies and Meghan McCain is gonna interview with NBC about how we made her so upset that she punched a homeless person

ex-lurkers, big boys, and all the chicklefricks in between have been made equal in a socialist paradise where clout is nil n we retoot all in sight.

Logging back onto twitter after being here is like leaving an Eyes Wide Shut party and getting into an elevator playing soft Muzak full of people in suits

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