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Let's see, we've got Elizabeth Warren and a bunch of other people I'll have to pick from if she loses.

Wait… What's that gross crud on the podium to the left of Warren? OH GOD IT'S TALKING

My favorite chillhop song is every single chillhop song ever made because they are all 100% identical and produced in the basement of a convenience store in Osaka by a ten year old semi-sentient Vaio laptop.

Give me your favorite follows. GIVE THEM TO ME.

This is the ideal human body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

"I'm a software developer":
- Boring
- Infers that you sit at a desk all day
- Leads to tech support questions

"Let's just say I solve problems"
- Mysterious
- Infers that you are an assassin
- Strongly discourages any further questions

Planet Earth (2006): Hot air balloon cameras catch Bactrian camels in the Gobi desert and rare snow leopards deep in Siberian mountains.

Night on Earth (2020): Night vision cameras catch moose eating rotting jack-o-lanterns and bears rolling dumpsters back into the woods.

Being positive and lifting other people up is punk as fuck.

Dealing with my emojis by rage driving* around my old home town blasting** my angsty teenage music.

* 3mph under the limit
** at a reasonable volume

The GenX equivalent of "a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac" is a Nine Inch Nails sticker on Prius.

In Oregon we don't really have good bagels. Whenever I visit, bagels are an important priority.

My jam is the salt bagel with sun-dried tomato cream cheese.

People are scared of New Yorkers, but it's really not fair. Sure, this girl in front of me just ordered an untoasted cinnamon raisin bagel with bacon, egg and cheese. But we're not *all* deeply broken and terrifying! Most of us are really nice!

I hope the international spy ring that ransacked my 5yo's room found what they were looking for. They were very thorough, from the looks of it.

Sometimes I'm not sure it's good that I can get the answer to literally anything I can think to ask.

Kiddo (being sarcastic): oh if someone has poverty, they must deserve it

Me: you just said what a lot of people actually believe

Kiddo: really?

Me: yeah, a lot of people think if you're poor it's because you did something to deserve it

Kiddo: I will punch them before they infect me

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