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every time i go into the coffee zone (i think its called a cafe) i say. hi there hows it going!! could i have a normal coffee please. and i always walk out empty handed. could i have a normal coffee please!!! just normal please. they're usually very young, the person behind the Coffee Bar, theyre serving my coffee, they look about 12 years old but have a beard and tattoos. could i have a normal one please??? uhhh what do you call a normal coffee. Regular coffee??? could i have that? nothing

@jacethechicken @jk the coffee zone is when she's willing to go out with you but won't commit to eating a full meal

@jk They're called Flat Whites and they're delicious and Americans can't have any.

@jk It was utterly hilarious watching Flat Whites become like the new Cronut in New York City because that's what they literally are in Australia and NZ: The Coffee You Order When You're In This Poncy Coffee Place And There's No Normal Coffee And You Just Don't Know What You Should Order Because It's All Weird So You Just Say Uh A Flat White Please

@natecull i think that must be why my mum orders that. i usually ask for an americano because i just want coffee grounds and hot water mixed together for a bit and then the coffee grounds taken out and then i want to be given the resulting water in a cup

@jk I would be tempted to order a Chemex but it both looks and sounds like drug paraphenalia so I just assume every cafe that offers them is a secret police sting operation

@jk you can't tell me this is a legitimate legal device for innocent recreation

I think you have to get a house decontaminated and possibly rebuilt if the tenants use these

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemex_C

@charlag @natecull im like. can i have a handful of beans. and in my other hand, a glass of water. only half-full!!! i need space for the beans

@jk The coffee you want is "drip", or a "pour-over" if possible. Americano is pretty bitter and diluted.

I normally have a latte or breve for 2-3 shots with milk to keep it from dissolving my stomach, but then use drip to keep my caffeine level up.

Macchiato and cappuccino are good if your tolerance for espresso with less milk is higher. Flat whites are very silly, upside-down cappuccinos from upside-down continent people.

@mdhughes i like a americanoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

@jk we can it bryggkaffe, which is basically drip coffee. This is where our cafés make their biggest profit margin, so they always have it available.

@jk

"I would like -- no, I would LOVE -- the dullest coffee you serve in the largest size you serve it. I have been seeking coffee for days now, subsisting on caffeine from sodas. It's NOT THE SAME. It's NOT."

"Th -- "

"Please, please, please, please be saying that you will give me coffee," she whimpered.

"That's gonna be the wombat harness, yeah. I can get you that. Just wait a minute here, okay? And yes, this is real, not a dream. Just wait a minute here. Okay?"

"Okay," she nodded.

@jk josef I know full well you are joking but fuck you pick a word off the menu and ask for that

Customers expecting me to guess what they normally drink are the bane of my existence

@Murkrow if I went to someones house and they said “I’m doing a coffee, would you like one” and I said “yes”, that’s the coffee I want

@jk THE HOUSE OF WHOMST???? DO THEY OWN A NESPRESSO??? IS IT INSTANT COFFEE FROM A SACHET LIKE MY ONE UNCLE MAKES OR AN ESPRESSO FROM A DEDICATED MACHINE LIKE MY OTHER UNCLE MAKES??? JOSEF??? WHICH UNCLE???

@Murkrow @jk when a plumber comes round and i offer them a coffee and they say yes but i was rly hoping they'd say no because i only have aeropress coffee and almond milk and what if they just wanted nescafe 😬😬😬😬😬😬

@Murkrow @jk (this happens less now, builders etc never want coffee these days for some reason)

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