𝓳𝓸𝓱𝓷𝓷𝓲𝓮🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 @johnnie@mastodon.social

"Trump says sexual assault accuser 'not my type'". This is the best headline The Onion have ever written.

Shame it's on BBC news and is completely real and oh my god what's happened to the world https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-48754959

I let the Child do her own suncream. Mistake. She has so much on her face it's actually racist.

People who organise their bookshelves by colour: wtf is wrong with you? How do you sleep at night?

I'm not sure which is more appalling: The Mark Field assault video, or the comments underneath it. Jesus everloving Christ.

I'm looking forward to seeing Tig Notaro's new show, where she interviews famous people without having the slightest clue who they are. But I feel duty-bound to remind you all that Richard Whiteley did that format first. Nobody believes me, but it's true.

Update: it was pretty great. If any @GCHQ@twitter.com spy satellites happened to be browsing gardens in East Lothian just now, they'd have seen some pretty hot wet pegging action.

And guys, I know that's what you like.

I just finished writing a big but boring article for work, so now I'm rewarding myself by taking a break to go hang the washing out. #LivingTheFuckingDream #amwriting #GlamourousHumbleBrag

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Gove, and Brexit followed with him.

Holy shit.
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RT @MrNishKumar@twitter.com
This is incredible

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/14/homophobic-attack-bus-outrage-media-white
https://twitter.com/MrNishKumar/status/1139855629571506177

Kryten: Miranda Hart. Cat: Katherine Ryan. Rimmer: Gemma Whelan. Lister: Cat Sandion. Holly : Susie McCabe.
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RT @benwerd@twitter.com
A rebooted, gender-swapped Red Dwarf would be the best thing on TV. https://twitter.com/ftrain/status/1139510220856713218
https://twitter.com/benwerd/status/1139617780414607360

Yer da exculpates Avon.
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RT @BBCPolitics@twitter.com
"If you point the finger of blame at me, you are unintentionally exculpating the people who are really responsible"

Tory leadership frontrunner Boris Johnson defends his handling, as foreign secretary, of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe's imprisonment in Iran

http://bbc.in/2ReW1jn
https://twitter.com/BBCPolitics/status/1139532427888451585

I don't think that is why he quit the contest, actually.
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RT @BBCNews@twitter.com
Matt Hancock quits contest to become Conservative leader and prime minister https://bbc.in/2IfTJh3
https://twitter.com/BBCNews/status/1139473951112007680

Happy Toast on it as always.
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RT @IamHappyToast@twitter.com
@johnnieingram @caitlinmoran quite apt seeing as they dressed Donald as the President of Penguins
https://twitter.com/IamHappyToast/status/1139164989808435201

Thank god Trump didn't try to spell Taoiseach.

I will give an automatic 5 stars to any #EdFringe show this year that is objectively funnier than this.

I do not expect to give many 5s.

This should win Best Newcomer.
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RT @NarratedPOTUS@twitter.com
The President of the United States publishes a tweet that includes the words "Prince of Whales".
https://twitter.com/NarratedPOTUS/status/1139156375337127936

Also: PHQ-9 is for depression, not anxiety, so if that is what they used (and from the few questions he could remember, it sounds like it was) that's the wrong fucking test.

Thinking about it, I'm pretty sure (obvious "I am not a doctor" disclaimer notwithstanding) that my friend will have been given PHQ-9 by his GP before he was referred anyway. So the sodding counseling service will already *have* his PHq-9 result and would have 6 months ago too.

All I'm saying is: surely we can do better than this?

Addendum for clarity: I'm not criticising the NHS. Far from it. #ILoveTheNHS Nor am I criticising @samaritans@twitter.com. They are also brilliant. I've phoned them 3 times in my life, and they've been great every time. You can also tweet them or email them.