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please do not send me nudes i do not want your nudes i have nowhere to put them my room is a mess (platonic hog pics acceptable)

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*to the tune of the Nationwide jingle*
Bigfoot Tried to Eat My Ass ™

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i boost the toot, the toot i boost, upon the boosted toot i roost

RIP to Colin Powell, I thought you were great in In Bruges

so help me, i will lay The Smackdown* on your Ass**

(*several smooches)

So, uh. How bout that new Bo Biden netflix special, eh?

Who the fuck slides into peoples DMs. Why would you even do that. I cannot stress enough how much anxiety the idea of DMing someone gives me. No thanks

Now That’s What I Call Toots Volume 33

Featuring such hits as:

“Big Tiddy Alf”
“Vape Ape”
“Smooth featuring Rob Thomas” by Carlos Santana

Spent a couple months trying to figure out my gender identity... felt like I was possibly demi-gender/non-binary but it turns out I’m just cis and very VERY stupid

Back in my day, "hiding behind their ethnic identities" was called "playing the race card". Usually deployed by racist conservatives who didn't want to admit something was, in fact, racist.

thesis: referring to every political scandal as "[prefix]-gate"
antithesis: referring to every political ideology as being "[prefix]-pilled"
synthesis: referring to the gradual replacement of policy with spectacle in american politics as being "gatepilled"

"10/10, would suck cocks in hell" - Karras' mother's yelp review for pazuzu

sexual content, religion 

"leave room for jesus!"

uh yeah no shit Margery why do you think i'm gaping my asshole like this?

Continually pissed off that A Mighty Wind is such a good, hilarious movie that gets completely ruined by the transphobic joke they slap on the very end for absolutely no reason.

Boats and Hoes, take me home
To the place, I belong
West Virginia, mountain mama
Take me home, boats and hoes

This much I know is true:
that God blessed the Boats and Hoes
That led me straight to you

is it gay to thicken? It's literally becoming thicker (in the sense of wider). 😔

ah yes, the humble “like”

the proletarian’s “boost”

every time you type out a reply to someone else’s toot and then delete it without posting, your powers increase twofold. my IQ is currently in orbit around Saturn and it’s too late to stop me

we hold these truths to be self-evident: kill all men, kill all white people

me interacting with people’s posts: haha this is great! you rock, what a fun time

me viewing people’s profiles: okay wow so actually you are good looking and attractive, we are enemies now. fuck of, i hate u

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