Pinned toot
Pinned toot

*to the tune of the Nationwide jingle*
Bigfoot Tried to Eat My Ass ™

Pinned toot

i boost the toot, the toot i boost, upon the boosted toot i roost

y’all better slow down i am 100% serious in my bio, I will absolutely delete this toot when it hits 100 boosts in order to remain on-brand

one day the world will be ready to talk about and embrace the “kill all cops” platform

two birbs live inside you
one is gay, the other is goth
They will NOT stop honking

Guys, is it ok to marry American women?
I wish someone would fucking let me know.

Liz Warren snark, absolute shitpost 

Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he is two vast and trunkless legs of stone standing in the desert. Says visage is half sunk and shattered. Says nothing beside remains. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Ozymandias, King of Kings, is in town tonight. Go and see him. Look on his Works, ye Mighty, and despair." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Ozymandias, King of Kings."

I take a long drag from my cigarette as Mastodon burns.

"That's what it was... that's what it always was."

In the distance, a giant floating Eve head obliterates an entire city block with a beam of pure energy.

"Birthdays..." I laugh mirthlessly as a shadow overtakes me.

Screams, sirens. Suddenly, a deep, rumbling voice splits the air like thunder: "It's my birthday. give me boosts."

Blinding light.

Then, silence.

@brainblasted When non-fascists disagree with each other then "the Left is eating itself". When we don't it's an "echo chamber".

Letting Nazis talk about their ideology literally means supporting fascism.

getting kicked out of a street gang for constantly threatening to cop the cops on rival gang members

*scrawled in sharpie on the mastodon bathroom stall door*

Here I sit
attention craved
I tried to boost
but merely faved

personal, asking for money to help my bestie 

The French are always thinking black cats are actually skunks and trying to fuck them. This is not just true of French skunks.

I’m a basic bitch and love plain cheese pizza with mozzarella cheese and I don’t care if the world knows. mozzarella is the cheese of the worker!

me, clicking open random folders on my desktop and closing them for hours straight, to my cubicle mate, who has been diligently working all day:

heh, mondays am i right buddy?

film masto 

the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and also hotter, whiter cis people who will steal everyone else's career opportunities and call it "hard work and talent"

uspol, fuck ICE, fuck enabling libs 

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