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One of the reasons I tend to impulsive toot/tweet/etc half-baked free-association jokes when I think of them is otherwise they might stick around in my head.

I've been grudgingly carrying "the 'Riiiiise aaaand FALLLLL, on the wiiiiings of my dreaaaaam' chorus from the theme to Perfect Strangers, except instead of 'rise and fall' it's 'Rie-fen-STAAAAAHL' " around in my mental pocket for years now, like there's gonna be a perfect 80s sitcom vs. Nazi cinematography conversation to drop it into

i was dating my landlord until they dumped me for someone else

didn't even get back my insecurity deposit

in the ol' business mailbag today, an email in its entirety:

"I am my wife slave and mistress Cathy keep me nude at all times to give me a spanking every day of week"

which is absolutely the unsolicited fetish fic version of "the food here is terrible" "and such small portions"

William Randolph Hurst except it's William Raymond Cyrus

my doctor told me it'd be good for me to try and go on more long walks

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No, you're thinking of that girl with the bow from the YA novel. I was talking about the official title bestowed on Prof. McGonagall after she became Dumbledore's permanent replacement at as head of Hogwarts. Catness Everdean.

Goodbye Nordstrom jeans
Though I never wore you at all
You were the last pair in the sale
But two sizes too small

I was talking to some early 20-somethings at a small get together at a friend's place and at some point to put something in context I said "sure, but I'm 42" and they said "wait, you're FORTY TWO?" and reader I'm old enough to be excited when youths think I'm younger than I am.

My milkshake brings Jon Bois to the yard
And he's like, let's talk about sports
Damn right, let's talk about sports
But before that, check out my new jorts

it's Nintendo canon that Luigi was absolutely fucking Mario's wife

It's a beautiful curse in the village and you are a horrible night.

Friday night, time to drink a little too much and stop reading interviews with people who got MFAs about 1/3rd of the way in

time to go take a piss during the commercial break in my *check notes* racing game that I paid money for

And then once he's good and dead and the immediate threat of a vampire getting their hands on his superblood has passed, they take him down...but just to be sure they also stick behind a huge rock in a cave.

But that's when they get lazy, and don't monitor the cave long enough there after, and some wily vamp sneaks in and gets whatever power is left in the clotting blood of the body after all.

And then hides the body. And then shapeshifts to "be" Jesus for a bit.

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Idle thought on vampire fiction and religious iconography: running with the idea of Peter Watt's "Crucifix Glitch" -- that vampires have a baked in sensory processing issue with euclidean perpendiculars -- maybe the reason people in the old days were crucified was not so much an accident of cruel spectacle but a means to make sure very specific people weren't available for vampire consumption. Maybe Jesus was vampire superfood, so they had to put him in a no-access zone.

Astronomy Society Demotes Earth Status to "Trash Planet"

i changed my mind, i want a headstone that read "allegedly cremated", that seems like a deeply economical way to sow confusion

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i would like my headstone to read "and stay down"

but also i would like to be allegedly cremated, so

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