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Yes, baby, call me daddy. No! Even better, call me granddaddy.

- Wow, you have a great vocabulary.
- I was bitten by a thesaurus when I was a kid.

Zoloft, Remeron, Effexor. Is it just me or do antidepressant brands sound like the names of Lovecraftian eldritch abominations?

- My wife is gone.
- Oh, so you have finally called that exorcist?

- Oh my god, Cindy is always late.
- Someone should teach her to use protection.

On my wedding cake I will have two little figures - of me and a wedding cake.

Mindy's birthday ended in tragedy when she ate the cake so fast that noone could warn her about a stripper hiding inside it.

- Oh, come on, I'm not that drunk, I can drive!
- Dude, you drank enough whiskey to drown a midget.

Girl: Can you stop the car? I need to pee.
Guy: Again?
Girl: Don't you need to go?
Guy: Fuck no! I'm a man! Real men never pee. We hold it in, we show the water who's in charge.
Girl: How do you get rid of pee?
Guy: We sweat it out when we fight forest fires with our bare fists.

- Oh god, this homeless man is so scary and gross.
- I had no idea you were such a hobofob.

- Is this experiment double-blinded?

- Of course! As always, we have blinded both of our scientists after it failed.

I am so intense I cut my pubic hair with a chainsaw.

Are you calling yourself soldiers!? We might as well try throwing cookies at the enemy, and wait for them to die of diabetes!

- You fucked a watermelon!??
- Hey! We made love!