"I'm having a day, a week, a month..."
I recognize myself so much in this. I kept chugging along, for years, just one more crisis to manage, where to live, how to eat, how to pay rent. Get through my courses so I'd be eligible for student loan so I could do those things.

Watching this video, really hits home. I've not felt purpose in a very long time, until just recently (the past few months).

youtube.com/watch?v=HYqHSo5aKk

When someone asked how I was doing? "Good and bad, chaotic but smiling. He he he" I'd laugh it off, the bad. The stress. The chaos. Sometimes I'd rant for a few minutes on what's been up. Like when I moved 6 times in 2.5 years, and didn't know where I lived anymore.
I still have nightmares of not knowing where I live.

That awkward, nervous laugh... It's just to stay alive, "if you smile you trick your brain that you're actually happy"...

last year I made a new friend, who lived here in the house. She always smiled and was very cheerful. But I could see that behind her eyes were unhappiness. She was suffering as much as I was. We met before I got sick-leave due to my exhaustion.

Other people around us said "Uhhg, she's so false, always cheery and smiling all the time"... I'd sit in silence regarding this, most of the time. Until I didn't. "we have to trick ourselves, to stay alive, by smiling" is what I wanted to say.

@maloki Someone I was talking to recently told me that they've never really thought of me as being broken. I see and hear things like that, and on the one hand it's a compliment to just how... effective I am at hiding things. (Not "good"... I don't think that there's anything good about this)

But on the other hand... if all that people see of me is this mask that I wear just to survive, at what point does that mask become who I am?

maloki

@not_on_pizza Yeah... Anxiety and exhaustion would force me to stay home a lot of the time.
"You look so happy all the time" yeah, when I'm not "happy" I'm home in bed incapable of doing anything.
I'd get up in the morning, get dressed and ready to go. Get paralyzing anxiety...

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