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Friend: "...he cheated on me again. "

Me: "Oh no."

Friend: "I wanna punish him. What should I do?"

Me: "Cut off his beans."

Friend: "Yes! I - wait, what?"

I find it funny that most recruiters and companies don't realize that some candidates have email tracking.

I could literally see Astra Zeneca ghosting me in real time.

What was Cleopatra's greatest achievement?

Convincing people she was Egyptian.

New job is going better than expected. Can freely choose my hours.

Definitely a good, easy step back into the world of work after a year.

Who the F is Кріс sounds like a toothpick.

Лол.

Apparently the UN thinks we're one miscalculation away from the threat of nuclear annihilation.

Dunno about you but that sounds like wishful thinking to me.

I say cigarette I actually mean nicotine-fuelled vape.

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It's actually almost magical when you meet another autistic person in real life.

Especially at a beer drinking/running/walking event.

Needless to say, I think I made a new friend.

Partner: "Maybe I will wear a dress today. It'll be much cooler than my shorts."

Me: "Yeah. Doesn't quite show off your buns in the same way, but sacrifices..."

I dunno.

I feel like at this stage, having your own kids is sort of like inviting someone to a party that's gunna end soon.

Really thinking about the concepts of executive dysfunction and non-binary today.

So much so that I'm having a coffee and a cigarette and adding things to my to do list. Wondering if I'll even get start on said list...

My ideal job?

Whatever it is, it should enable me to lie on the floor any time I please. And whenever someone wants me, they have to ring a little bell and I'll respond, "I can't get up now, I'm in another life" and then they'll have to wait.

Maybe a nice massage is exactly what I need BUT I unfortunately would rather drink an entire pint glass of old mans' saliva with pubes around rim than ever let a stranger touch me like that.

Me: "Excuse you! I don't come and stare at you when you're on the shitbox."

My Cat: *keeping gazing ominously at me from the bathtub while I'm on the toilet*

Monkeypox?

Yes I'll have a vaccine please but why do I have to pay for it.

Execution 

Herald: "Hear ye, hear ye! A pizza is but a flat Italian pie!"

Crowd: *disgruntled murmurs and the sound of reluctant agreement*

Herald: "BUT! Risotto is just savory rice pudding!"

*crowd explodes into unbridled fury and drags the Herald off to the guillotine*

The News: "In order to be completely healthy, under 40s should avoid alcohol completely."

Me: "I'm here for a good time, not a long time."

is a true miracle of technology.

Thanks to this tech, my friend Constance can now fulfill her childhood dream of having nine and a half breasts.

Now that there is a glorious cool breeze after 30 degrees today, I want to leave all the windows and balcony doors of my flat open so it'll be fresh when I get home from the pub.

But I won't because my dumbass cat might get too excited about a bird and fall off the windowsill.

Again.

Me: "Oh my God this is even more boring than my mother's funeral."

Kidnapper: "!!??"

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