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STOP PRESS EXCLUSIVE - JANUARY 2019 - AMERICA ONLINE - 10 cents download via fax - 50 cents via cortical jack socket

Shattering her innocent public image, America Online has discovered that freshman United States Representative Alexandria Casio-Cortex does NOT in fact, have a Casio cortex. She has an aftermarket modified Fujitsu-Sendai Cyberbellum.

FS Brand Ambassador Martin 'Rockin' McFly remains unavailable for comment, fuelling speculation that he has been suspended pending irregularities

@natecull Nyaah, you’re just jealous that AOC is cooler than Jacinda Ardern.

@natecull Yeah, I don’t know what we did to deserve her. I just hope she doesn’t burn out or get annihilated.

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