~today in therapy~
what a doozy.
social anxiety; abuse i've inflicted; watching people make the same mistakes; my anthropology minor, MRGS, and a gradual awakening to discourses of power; feeling isolated; feeling bullied; desire for attention; closets; nightmares; feelings of isolation and judgment; my family's expectations; internalised expectations; i am the monster in my nightmare.
~ today in therapy ~
the ever-present fear of imagined embarrassment, judgment, and public humiliation as a self-censoring force in my relationships, work, and hobbies; the desire for more intimacy & the anxiety of imagined/potential tension & disappointment.
~today in therapy~
my family and friends have always felt static, or at least on one path; i've spent my life fantasizing of such mastery, and recognition for such, assuming that failure is not an option, and pushing people, activities, and myself away when failure, weakness, uncertainty seems possible.
~today in therapy~
i'm angry, angry, i am so fucking angry. i've been angry for years. i try to strictly control myself, and expect the same from others, and if it's not there i get angry. i want support and acknowledgement, but isolate myself; always afraid of judgment, always feel i have to perform, and i resent it. and it makes me angry.
~today in therapy~
my favourite pattern: feeling responsible for an outcome, feeling scared of an uncertain course of action, feeling shame for having failed to act. in everything from wanting to write, to wanting to express myself, to wanting to have opinions. i've made a habit of escaping that dilemma by retreating into myself.
~ today in therapy ~
food and other rituals i've built up with those closest to me to achieve satiety in lieu of direct emotional intimacy.