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~today in therapy~
a need to organise for "ideal" outcomes; frustration w/myself & others for letting unexamined emotions govern behaviour.

~today in therapy~
where my anger goes, why i keep it in, where i'd like to let it out, where it ends up getting out anyway.

~today in therapy~
what a doozy.
social anxiety; abuse i've inflicted; watching people make the same mistakes; my anthropology minor, MRGS, and a gradual awakening to discourses of power; feeling isolated; feeling bullied; desire for attention; closets; nightmares; feelings of isolation and judgment; my family's expectations; internalised expectations; i am the monster in my nightmare.

~today in therapy~
shame stemming from the conflict b/w my desire for recognition & my valuing of self-sufficiency; the slow development of an acceptance of qualitative support over quantitative acknowledgment.

~today in therapy~
anger; anger in architecture; architecture in dreams; architecture as dreams; hypermasculinity as masks; masks in conscious and subconscious.
i left shaking at the power of the unseen, or i really enjoyed my cappuccino.

~ today in therapy ~
the ever-present fear of imagined embarrassment, judgment, and public humiliation as a self-censoring force in my relationships, work, and hobbies; the desire for more intimacy & the anxiety of imagined/potential tension & disappointment.

~ today in therapy ~
the exacerbation of being home for the holidays; my isolation from friends and family (teen years & now); how my parents' trauma may have passed down to me; guilt at not engaging with my parents; wanting only wins; my birthday isn't great.

nick nick nick nick @nicknicknicknick

~today in therapy~
CanLit, misogyny, and my own feelings of guilt and (self-directed) anger; bullying myself & constant self-hatred; shame at adult men (myself included) acting like children; "if you were angry at someone that wasn't you, who would it be?"

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~today in therapy~
more on the need to feel valued, envied, respected, desired; how that manifests in relationships, familial, social, romantic, sexual; internalised belief that i'm either a fully-realised, masculine self, or nothing at all; internalised belief that i'm a cipher.