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from bad to worst

Paris Hilton and Ivanka Trump are the same person, prove me wrong

If Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos is the next Bill Gates, then being indicted on wire fraud charges is her 'jumping over a chair' moment

The movie Rain Man except he repeats the steamed hams scene over and over instead of Who's On First

guy at the coffee shop taunting his toshiba laptop, "oh yeah, nice webinar, did your mommy buy it for you?" he had a latte with ice cubes in it and cocoa sprinkled on top

Now Playing: Kidz Bop - Alanis Morissette - You Otter Nose

"my main account is on cheese.lords but I mostly shitpost on styrofoam.waterwheel these days"

you could put any two words together and tell me it's a mastodon instance and I would believe you

Joe Rogan is Seth Rogan's stepdad

"What's that website you use?"



It's kind of like twitter.


Facebook. The website I use is called facebook.

I hate it when the people chant "big money, big money" on wheel of fortune, and at my bail hearings

"Bert and Ernie" is short for "Berkshire Hathaway Earnings Report"

Little known fact: the tradition of having a Queen (or King) of England only dates back to the 1980s, and was invented by Margaret Thatcher in an attempt to boost patriotism during the Falklands War!

I just imagined a horse named Gordon and then thought for a moment what he would be like if he could talk. I am a normal person.

coworker: "So when I'm watching a british drama or even a comedy, it works for any genre, when I see an actor that looks interesting I go right to IMDB to see if they've ever been on Doctor Who and then "
me, mentally tallying the supplies in my doomsday bunker: "yes, absolutely"

Meghan Markle's dog is named "Guy" which is short for "Guy Fieri is my guiding light"

M assault
S rifle
13 round clip

to the lady i overheard bragging loudly that she makes "the best nachos in the world ever":
don't flex with tex-mex